Logging - Nick Spalding Page 0,6

work?

‘Yes, yes!’ Winery exclaims, bouncing up and down on the chair and making her shower curtain rustle loudly. ‘Please carry on! I’m so interested in your creative process!’

‘Y’all keep going, y’hear?’ Tex comments, sounding like someone who owns a whippet while looking like someone who owns a cattle ranch.

The world has gone mad.

‘Er . . .’ I say, looking down at my iPad.

I should continue.

Just because they’ve already seen Zap Graphics doesn’t mean his stuff is actually better than mine. I could still win this.

Focus on your goals, as Lucas La Forte would no doubt remind me, if he were here.

Christ, I wish he was here. Winery would probably go and lick his expensive suit, thus taking some of the attention off my shoulders.

‘Er . . . let me move on to what I want to do for the online placements you mentioned in your tender.’

‘Oh, excellent!’ Winery says, far too excited about this whole thing for my liking. ‘I bet that’ll be the same as the other Andy’s work as well!’

‘What?’ I spit, not able to help myself.

‘Why, don’t you know?’ Pikky says with a smile. ‘The man behind Zap Graphics is also an Andy. Andy Roan, I think his name was. Lovely chap. Very handsome. Very talented.’

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

I’m dead in the water here.

I grind my teeth together, sending a sharp stabbing pain up through my right temple.

Just. Get. Through. It. And. Get. Out.

‘So, the online adverts then,’ I say from between gritted teeth. ‘Here’s what I think you should do.’

I flick my iPad screen to reveal the layout I’ve designed.

‘Oh yes! So similar again!’ Winery cries with happiness. ‘Magnificent!’

If I grind my teeth any more, I’m going to turn them to powder.

I don’t look at any of them, instead just concentrating on the two months of work that’s on the TV screen.

‘If you look, you can see that I’ve gone for an eclectic design that really shows just how vigrant and gold I think we can make the campaign.’

Pikky looks confused. ‘Gold? I don’t see any gold in there, Andy.’

‘Nope! No gold on that advert, Andy Number Two!’ Winery agrees.

I didn’t mean gold, though, I meant bold.

‘No, no . . . not gold . . . gold,’ I tell them.

Now Pikky’s look of confusion deepens. ‘There’s no gold in that design, Andy.’

‘Gold! Gold!’ I try to say, but the word isn’t coming out right. The stabbing pain shoots up into my right temple again, and my hand flies to my head to hold it.

‘Are you all right?’ Pikky asks.

‘’Es. I’m fine,’ I reply, lying through my teeth.

I have to lie through my teeth, because I can’t open my mouth.

‘Are you sure?’

‘’Es! No progrem at all!’

Oh, Christ on a bike, I can’t open my jaw! It’s locked tight!

What the hell is wrong with me?

‘Are you OK to continue?’ Pikky says, looking concerned.

Just. Get. Through. It. And. Get. Out.

‘’Es! I can carry on. I’m gerfectly vine!’

I’m clearly not perfectly fine. Far from it.

But, not wanting this crisis to turn into a disaster, I try to ignore the sharp stabs of pain that continue to pulse through my temple, and look back to the TV screen.

‘Der cloves you make are vigrant, gold, exciting and mogern. My gravic designs revlec’ dis.’

Jesus Christ. I sound like a ventriloquist trying to do a Jamaican accent – and failing miserably at it.

‘Fluiggigy’s style is gold and very grave, so I wanted to make sure—’

‘We are not very grave!’ Winery interrupts, looking displeased for the first time. ‘We are very happy here! All of us!’

‘No! Grave,’ I try to say. ‘’O know! Grave! As in a comgany dat’s gig, grave and gold! You’re a vigrant, new comgany dat’s really grave with what you design! Grave!’ As if to further clear up the confusion, I start to flex my muscles. That’s how you’d do ‘brave’ in charades, isn’t it?

‘Are you feeling all right?’ Pikky says, now with no small degree of fear in his voice.

And who can blame him? There’s a man in front of him trying to flex like Arnold Schwarzenegger, for no apparent reason.

‘’Es! I keeg delling you I’ge fine!’ I try to reply. The pain in my head is getting worse, and now the locked jaw is starting to throb too. ‘I gust need to get frew the res’ of dis prezentation. I ’ave a lot more for you to look at!’

‘Do you?’

‘’Es! I ’aven even got to der gest gart, yet!’

‘The guest gart?’ Pikky now looks positively terrified.

‘’Es! The gest gart!