Which means I won’t be here by this time tomorrow.
49
I sleep.
I wake.
Bernard—he of the bright scrubs and no-longer-kind eyes—arrives with lunch and more pills. Because I’m too dazed to eat, he uses pillows to prop me up like a rag doll and spoon feeds me soup, rice pudding, and what I think is creamed spinach.
The drugs have made me oddly chatty. “Where are you from?” I say, slurring my words like someone who’s had one too many drinks.
“You don’t need to know that.”
“I know I don’t need to. I want to.”
“I’m not telling you anything,” he says.
“At least tell me who you’re doing this for.”
“You need to stop talking.”
Bernard shovels more pudding into my mouth, hoping it will shut me up. It does only for as long as it takes me to swallow.
“You’re doing it for someone,” I say. “That’s why you’re here and not at, like, a regular hospital, right? They promised to help someone you love if you work for them? Like Charlie’s doing?”
I’m given another mouthful of pudding. Rather than swallow, I let it drip from my lips, talking all the while.
“You can tell me,” I say. “I won’t judge you. When my mother was dying, I would have done anything to save her life. Anything.”
Bernard hesitates before answering in a soft murmur, “My father.”
“What does he need?”
“A liver.”
“How much time does he have left?”
“Not much.”
“That’s a shame.” The sentence comes out mushy. A single, smushed word. Thassashame. “Does your father know what you’re doing?”
Bernard scowls. “Of course not.”
“Why?”
“I’m not answering any more of your questions.”
“I don’t blame you for not wanting to give false hope. Because you might be right here one day. Someone rich and famous and important will need a kidney. Or a liver. Or a heart. And if there’s no one like me around, they’ll take it from you.”
I lift my hand and wave it around, weakly pointing in his general direction. After a second, it plops back onto the bed because I’m too weak to hold it up any longer than that.
Bernard drops the spoon on the tray and pushes it aside. “We’re done here.”
“Don’t be mad,” I say, slurring a bit. “I’m just saying. That deal you made? I don’t think it’s gonna stick.”
Bernard thrusts the tiny paper cup at me, his hands shaking. “Shut up and take your pills.”
I pop them into my mouth.
50
Hours later, I’m roused from my deep slumber by Jeannette, who unlocks the door before carrying in more food and yet more pills.
I look at her, groggy and dazed. “Where did Bernard go?”
“Home.”
“Was it something I said?”
“Yes.” Jeannette slides the tray in front of me. “You talk too much.”
Dinner is the same as lunch. More soup. More creamed spinach. More pudding. The pills have made me surly, uncooperative. Jeannette has a hard time scooping even the slightest bit of soup into my mouth. I outright refuse to open my mouth for the spinach.
It’s the rice pudding my pill-addled body craves. Willingly I open wide when Jeannette dips the spoon into it. But as she’s bringing it toward my mouth, I change my mind. My jaw clamps shut, and I suddenly turn away, pouting.
The spoon hits my cheek, sending pudding splatting onto my neck and shoulder.
“Look at this mess,” Jeannette mutters as she grabs a napkin. “Lord forgive me, but I can’t say I’ll be sad to see you go.”
I lie completely still as she leans over me to mop up the spilled pudding. Sleep is already threatening to overtake me again. I’m almost completely unconscious when Jeannette nudges my shoulder.
“You need to take your pills,” she says.
My mouth falls open, and Jeannette drops the pills into it, one at a time. Then I’m asleep, closed fists at my sides, riding the narcotic fog until my mind is empty and blissful and at peace.
When I hear the door’s lock click into place, I wait. Breathless. Counting the seconds. After a full minute has passed, I stuff my fingers into the far reaches of my mouth and fish out the pills. They emerge softened and slimy with saliva.
I sit up, wincing with pain, and lift my pillow. Beneath the case, in the pillow itself, is the small tear I created yesterday after talking to Nick. I shove the spit-slick pills into it, where they join the others. Eight of them in total. A whole day’s worth of little white pills.
I replace the pillow and lie back down. I then unclench my fist