MacKaizen.” They were promotional relics from one of Ian’s blockbuster game launches, so tossing them into a dumpster was not an option. But was my office a storage closet? I refused to stare at these women all day long. They were distracting, not to mention grossly offensive. How was this even here, in the post–#metoo era?
While Ian went out for his typical two-hour lunch, I dragged all five cutouts into his office. They were his, after all. Those ten boobs took up a lot of space, but in Ian’s spacious corner office he’d likely not notice the new decor. Plus, what heterosexual man wouldn’t want a boob shrine? It wasn’t until after I headed back to my desk that it crossed my mind that Ian could fire me for this. If I wanted to stay at this company and launch my game production career, I had to cool down my snarkiness, stat.
When I got back from a postlunch budget meeting, the cardboard cutouts were back in my office and placed in a semicircle around my desk. The attached note read:
* * *
FROM THE DESK OF IAN MACKENZIE
* * *
Maybe these badass ladies can inspire you to gaming greatness. —Ian
I rolled my eyes and let a frustrated sigh out my nose. How’d these five offensively sexy Asian women even get housed here in the first place? Did the office manager think to himself, Well, here’s the designated Asian woman room, let’s stick Melody in there?
Rather than obsess, I made a sign on my door that read KAIZEN SIX! in slanty letters. Male coworkers passed by and chuckled. A few passersby even gave me two thumbs-up.
I HOLED UP in my office until late into the evening uploading projects and tasks into our studio’s workflow tool. Near dinnertime, my stomach growled so loudly that it sounded like a wounded yeti was trapped behind my belly button, yelling in its native language, Time to go home! I walked out my office door and smacked into a new life-size cutout: the buxom body of one of the Kaizen girls with my photocopied face on top of it. Okay, it was a little bit funny because the grainy picture came from my name badge photo from our company intranet page, but it was also extremely vulgar and grossly unprofessional.
I dragged my customized Kaizen cutout into my office and decided to let this joke run its course. Complaining to senior management or HR would likely get me labeled as someone with no sense of humor, or worse, someone “anticommunity.” Seventeen Studios clearly had blinders on when it came to inappropriate conduct. But I wasn’t about to take these hits without fighting back my own way.
With a quick rifling-through of our trade show closet, I found what I needed: a floor display of one of the most-hated characters from our studio’s UFC games, Maverick “Chile” Morita, the tattooed, insult-hurling, hypermuscular cage fighter. I dragged it back to my office, printed out a copy of Ian’s face, and taped it onto Chile’s bulbous head, then faced new-and-improved Ian out toward the hallway for everyone to see. I kept the office light on so he could be easily visible to anyone passing by.
WHEN I GOT into work the next morning, all the cutouts had been removed from my office. No more Kaizen Six. No more UFC cage fighter Ian. The lights were turned off, with no signs of retaliation.
Yeah. That’s right.
Good game, bishes.
Chapter Four
“I’m Asher. My bros call me Ash.” My new officemate barely looked up from his computer screen when he introduced himself. Apparently, I wasn’t worth his wholehearted attention. While I grabbed lunch and ran a quick errand, this guy had moved in and rearranged the entire office, pushing my desk flush against the wall. His toy-covered desk stood in the center of the room, and he still had boxes strewn all over the floor, overflowing with what appeared to be hundreds more tchotchkes. And what did he mean by My bros call me Ash? That only friends called him that, or that only GUYS could call him that?
I heaved my desk flush against his so we faced each other. “I’m sorry, who are you again?” Because I couldn’t believe this guy was in my work space confines, I hadn’t paid attention to his uninspiring introduction.
Asher sighed as he stood up. He easily cleared six feet tall and was a weird mix between nerdy and fratty. He had the sort of body that suggested he used to be