“So, you both are pissed at each other because of your pasts,” I said. “Want to know the best part of the past?”
“What?” she asked.
“It’s fucking over. So, tell him that, Rae. You two… you two remind me why I hate relationships. Why I like the one night together and then the next morning everyone moves on. You two need to talk to each other. You have a kid. I know how fast everything went. I warned Aaron. I warned you. I was the asshole for it. But you two… all you saw were rainbows and stars.”
“It’s not easy for me either,” Rae said. “When he and I…” She looked away and laughed. “I’m going to talk to Josh about relationships.”
“Yeah, you’d better not,” I said. “I might tell the truth and you’d really hate that.”
“Go home,” she said. She reached for the water and the pills. “I’ll take care of him.”
“You don’t need help with Toby or anything?”
“No.”
“I can carry Aaron upstairs if you want.”
“Just leave, Josh,” Rae said. “Just. Leave.”
She moved from the kitchen.
I wasted no time in leaving.
And I didn’t go home.
I went to Amelia’s.
I sat in the parking lot.
I thought about what to do.
And I figured out why Rae was so pissed at me.
Because I was a liar.
The past was gone, sure.
But it didn’t leave.
And there was a big difference.
And somewhere, caught in the middle of that was a feeling that was like love… the feeling I had for Amelia.
I sat up in the corner of my bed where Amelia had been sipping coffee and staring at me. Only I wasn’t reliving a good memory. I was chasing away something that resembled a nightmare. If I really wanted to get rid of the nightmare for the rest of the night, then hard liquor was the cure.
I skipped that and went for a notebook.
While the rest of my apartment was calm and quiet, my mind and my hand worked furiously. A new idea and concept had been working itself out for a little while and it was time to just go with it. I realized it had been over a month since I last took a picture with my camera. In some way I was distracted from the world around me. That distraction was Amelia. She had nudged the world out of the way and taken up all my attention. I wasn’t complaining. I wasn’t trying to change it.
My new concept came down to words.
Just like the way I would hide artwork within pictures, I decided to try something out where I’d hide words and stories within artwork. It was a very rough idea and the sketches I worked on looked very much like blobs instead of actual drawings, but that’s how it went.
Tucked away in the corner of my apartment, working until the pale light of the lamp on my nightstand was traded for the sunrise.
Two things went through my mind when I realized it was morning.
Aaron.
My best friend.
What he and Rae had was complicated and hard to navigate. He had done the one thing he never thought he could do. He bought an engagement ring. Yet he didn't propose and Rae thought he was cheating. A giant mess because they couldn’t be honest with each other.
And that took me to Amelia as the second thing running through my head.
Because it was the same with her.
We were both just floating around, bumping into each other. That part I didn’t mind. The smell of her hair, the taste of her skin, the way her smile seemed to be so casual, yet it was like a cosmic force. But between us there were so many words and stories left untold. Pieces of our past never told while the entire future hung in the balance.
I walked to the window where Amelia had stood.
I was chasing her ghost around my apartment.
That wasn’t me.
I didn't chase ghosts.
I sent them away.
And as I stood there and stared out the window, Amelia slipped out of my mind. In her place came a flood I swore I would hold back and never let loose.
Because sometimes the truth wasn’t what anyone actually wanted to hear.
Chapter 31
The One You Love
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO
(Josh)
I heard the wailing cry and I peeled my eyes open.
It was two-oh-three in the morning.
Now, during the summer or the weekend, this was about the time I was calling it quits after a long night of snacks, soda, video games, and watching adult shows.