from my perspective, it’s easy to judge. That’s what a lot of people do, right? I don’t look at that situation the way others do. I look at each step to the decision and find out what happened. And better yet, figure out what I can do to help you make sure that it doesn’t happen again.”
“Nobody got hurt,” I said.
“This time.”
I laughed. “It wasn’t…” I shut my eyes. “I’ve said a lot about her already. Sometimes I can still hear her. Okay?”
“Did you hear her that night?”
“What if I did?”
“What if you did?”
“Are you going to mark it down that I’m fucking crazy?”
“No.”
“Yeah. Okay. I heard her. I heard her voice. And I was drinking. I mean… a lot. I was as drunk as I had ever been in my life.”
“You blacked out.”
“Exactly. Yet I remember hearing her voice.”
“That’s it?”
“Is there anything else that matters? Everything revolves around her. Everything. My entire existence. Life. What I’ve created. What I will create. There’s no way around it. She is everything.”
“But she’s not here, Josh. Maybe she was-”
“I don’t give a shit what you have to say.” I stood up. “You write your notes. I tell my stories. Life goes on. Whatever I do or don’t do is my business. Not yours.”
“I just want to understand. Probably as much as you do.”
“What don’t I understand?” I asked, my lip curling.
“Why you can’t find your peace with it.”
I was silent.
“Josh?”
I stayed silent.
“Josh… what are you thinking right now?”
Peace.
Peace with it.
How the hell could I ever have peace with it?
I was the one who watched her die.
Chapter 17
Closer to Read
NOW
(Amelia)
I was happy at the small, round kitchen table with my morning coffee which I had served to myself a little after noon. My right elbow on the table, fist to chin, staring at the apartment door or down into the cup of coffee.
My thoughts bouncing all around like a bouncy ball thrown down a street.
“What do you think of this one?”
“Huh? What?”
Grace dropped her phone to the table and pushed it in front of me.
“I like this one. I’d name her Ginger.”
“Ginger,” I said as I looked at the cat’s face.
Oh, great, the cat talk, again.
Every once in a while, she would get on a kick about getting a cat. That would just finalize the everything cat theme to the apartment. But it always went the same way. She’d pick out a couple of cats she loved and then would talk herself out of it.
“Ginger?” I asked. “Why Ginger?”
“It’s just the name,” Grace said. “You know, they pick their own name.”
I glanced up at Grace. “Oh?”
“I’m just saying…”
“So, Grace and Ginger?” I asked. “That sounds like an old sitcom.”
“Well, screw you too then,” Grace said.
She reached for her phone and I hurried to grab it.
“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean it like that. I think this cat is amazing. Are you going to get her?”
“I don’t know yet,” she said.
I handed Grace her phone back. “If you want a cat, Grace, then get one. What would you tell one of your clients? If they were obsessed about something? If they kept thinking about something? If they would get close to something and then suddenly hesitate?”
A smile grew a mile wide in each direction on Grace’s face. She turned the phone screen off and set her eyes right on me.
“What happened?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Everything you just said. That has nothing to do with a cat.”
“Oh, come on, Grace…”
“No,” she said. “Classic deflection. You’re trying to get my answer from me because you’re afraid to answer for yourself. Is it because of the story? Did something happen with Bel? She sort of mentioned you told her you weren’t all that interested.”
“It’s not that I’m not interested,” I said. “I just… I don’t know right now. Okay? And why are we talking about me?”
“You’re sitting here looking like your head is about to explode,” Grace said.
“Can we go back to looking at cats?”
There’s a question I never thought I’d ask Grace…
Grace walked to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. I watched her drown the coffee with sugar and cream. She returned to the table but didn’t sit down.
“Face it,” she said.
“What?”
“Face it. You asked what I would tell a client. If something is that important to take up space in your mind, then you need to face it. Now, it depends on what that something is. If it’s something you can truly face, then go for it. If it’s something that’s