in soft, early morning light. The dormitory is quiet as I ascend the stairs, grateful that most of my classmates are late risers. These early morning hours when I’m up finishing my schoolwork or exercising are some of the only ones I get during which someone doesn’t expect anything of me. Want anything from me. It’s the only freedom I get, which is why I sacrifice that extra hour of sleep to the blasted beeping of my alarm clock.
I can’t find my room key, so I have to get Ms. Poppin to unlock it. I gather my toiletries before trudging down the hall to the bathroom. It, too, is empty.
The hot water pours down over my sweaty body, relaxing my muscles and flushing my skin pink. The steam fills and expands my chest. If only I could stay in here all day long.
Ricardo should go to Haiti with his mom. In my relaxed state, I don’t push away the idea when it returns to the forefront of my thoughts.
How much longer is she going to stick around, teaching classes for Professor Rook and popping into the eatery on an almost daily basis in the hopes that her son will break his wall of silence and talk to her?
If it were me, I’d have written him off by now. I don’t have time to chase after people who aren’t into me. So why did I waste so much time trying to make Kenneth jealous by fake dating Ricardo?
My gut clenches. It was such a waste of time.
Kenneth was never truly interested in me. Adrienne and Genevieve were right about that. Plus, now that I’m with Ricardo, I know what real care and attention are like. Sure, he’s a giant flirt, but there’s a whiff of honesty beneath his silliness that hits me right in the feels every single time.
It’s terrifying.
Half of me wants to run headlong into this, whatever it is, with everything I’ve got. Just like I do with tennis, my classes, preparing for Daddy’s campaign events, shopping. But the other half? The dark, shadowy corners that I pretend not to see? Those parts want to shove Ricardo out of the metaphorical door to my heart and lock it tight behind him.
Being with Ricardo leaves me vulnerable and exposed. Emotions I am not used to and don’t enjoy at all. It reminds me of the first time I went sailing alone. My brain knew everything I needed to command my craft over the smooth, glassy water. But my heart? It locked up in fear, and I almost ended up calling it quits before I even got started.
Fear of failure. That’s what this is.
The thing I’m realizing about myself is this: if I’m not one hundred percent sure I’ll succeed, I don’t always even try at all. Because flopping at something publicly is much worse than the regrets I carry about not even trying. It’s one of the main reasons I started buying uppers from Professor Rook last year. They gave me an extra edge I needed to remain at the top of my classes.
But do I want Ricardo to be one of my regrets?
No, but I also don’t want him to come to resent me for not insisting he go to Haiti, either. Because if he stays with me and risks his final tie to his mom, it would poison our relationship eventually. The what-ifs would consume him from the inside out. I can’t let that happen, no matter how much pain it causes me to let him go. Even though it’ll be more harmful to my heart than I dare to admit.
Once I’m dressed, I slide into my desk chair and open my tablet to the chart I’ve made with all of my findings regarding Professor Rook’s death. There are still so many loose ends. The driver. My attacker. The threat and attack on Gul. Kenneth’s presence on campus that night and his flimsy excuse.
I’ve been keeping tabs on the news coverage of the event, which has petered off considerably in the weeks since it happened. I hardly get any alerts on my phone anymore.
As I read over my notes, I chew on the inside of my cheek. I have to do something. Push someone’s buttons. See what shakes out.
Starting with Kenneth.
It’s still early, so I have time before class.
He’s behind the desk when I walk through the frosted glass door into the health center.
Stepping up to the desk, I lower my voice. “Can I talk to you for