pain, through the heartache. I shuffle back to bed, my heart by my feet, and crawl under the covers. The thumping of the bass continues, but now it’s doubled in volume. It rattles the walls, shakes the windows, and suddenly, all those emotions I’d felt only a minute ago are replaced with a single one: rage.
I open my grandpa’s closet and unlock the safe where he keeps a set of spare keys. I don’t bother being quiet as I slip outside, my hands shaking, angry tears falling fast and free. I unlock the barn door, my eyes instantly closing as I wince at the loudness of the music blaring.
And then I open my eyes.
And I wish I hadn’t.
Leo’s sitting on a couch with the girl straddling his lap, her knees on either side. They’ve both stripped down to their bottoms, their tops discarded on the floor beside them. His large hands—hands I’ve fantasized about—are on her butt, his grip so tight his fingers are white. She grinds on him, her head thrown back, the ends of her perfect auburn hair gliding against his knees every time she moves. One of her hands is in his hair, tugging, the other using his broad shoulder for balance. Leo glides a hand up to the small of her back, spreading his fingers, his thumb stroking along the clasp of her bra. His entire hand spans her tiny waist, and I know I should look away.
But I can’t.
Because I know, deep down, a part of me needs to see this.
Needs to own this.
So I can finally start to pick up the shattered pieces of the heart he broke all those years ago.
I make it to the stereo and switch it off. “Get out!” I seethe.
“Shit! Get off!” Leo huffs, pushing the girl off his lap. He picks up her tank and hands it to her, and—as self-destructive as it is—I watch her put on her top, and then scramble for her purse, her keys, her shoes. When she’s done, Leo leads her out the door with his hand on her elbow. I wait just inside, my arms crossed, a tornado of emotions twisting inside me, building higher and higher, coming out in the form of tears too heated to ignore. The car starts, headlights shine and then disappear, and a moment later, Leo enters the barn, slamming the door behind him. He opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. “How fucking dare you!”
“How dare I what, Mia?” he spits.
“Disrespect me like this!”
“Like what?!” he shouts, closing in on me. I back away until I’m pressed against a set of lockers. He’s so close I can feel every one of his heated breaths along the top of my head. “Your boyfriend’s sleeping in your bed right now, so don’t—”
“I know that!” I cut in, my heart pumping so fast, I can barely breathe.
“Then why the fuck are you here!” he roars, his closed fist slamming against the metal right beside my head.
I jerk at the sudden sound, the sudden movement, and shriek in fear, my hands covering my face.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers in a rush, and his words are filled with so much pain and regret that when he cradles my head to his chest, I let him. “I’m so sorry.” I’m shaking in his arms, unable to catch my breath, and I don’t know if it’s his pulse I can hear or mine, but it’s so loud, so deafening. His entire body envelopes mine, filling all the empty spaces with warmth. “I’m sorry,” he says again, his face nuzzled in my neck. “I never wanted to be like this, Mia… not with you.” He holds me tighter, and I let out a whimper—the first sound I’ve made since he put his hands on me.
And then it’s suddenly cold, and he’s moving away, the heels of his palms digging into his eyes. He laughs once, but it’s sad, and it’s empty. “Do you think this is easy on me, Mia?” He can barely get the words out.
I try to stand taller on already weak legs and drop my hands to my sides.
His voice rises when he says, “It’s fucking killing me to have to see you with another guy! To see the way he touches you! The way he puts his hands all over you! The way he fucking kisses you!” Every word spat is filled with venom, and his face twists with torment. “It’s destroying me, Mia! And