“Where did these books come from?” I finally speak, my voice hoarse with emotion.
“Leo brought them,” Benny answers. “They were his from when he was little like me!”
Leo
We don’t go to the diner. Instead, Mia, Benny and I stay at the farm and we spend as much time together before they have to leave. Since the airport’s close to my apartment, I offer to give Benny and Mia a ride, just so I can get some extra time with them. When Tammy and Mr. Kovács bring up moving Benny’s car seat, I show them the one already in my car. There are two there—one for Preston and one for Katie. I stutter when Mr. Kovács—who insists I call him Joseph—asks if they’re for my kids. After I explain who they’re for, Tammy and Joseph leave just after lunch so they can get some shopping done in Charlotte.
Benny and I go on another adventure with Mia trailing behind us. We find more rocks than we know what to do with, and I’m slowly learning which of the rocks Benny prefers to collect. He doesn’t opt for the smooth, gray stones. He likes the ones with sharp edges and imperfections—probably why he seems to like me.
“Look, Mama!” he says, ankle deep in the creek as he pulls his latest find from the stream and lifts it in the air.
Mia smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “That’s nice, buddy.” She’s leaning against a tree trunk a short distance away, her arms loose at her sides. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that ever since this morning, she’s been quiet, a little distant. “We should head back, Benny. Mama didn’t put sunscreen on you and you’re starting to burn.”
Benny nods, shoving the rock in his pocket.
When we get back to the house, Benny dumps the bucket onto the porch, spilling his treasure all over the floor. Then he lies on his stomach and reaches for my hand, indicating for me to do the same. So that’s how we stay while he goes through every one, setting them in piles I don’t truly understand. He’s mainly quiet as he does this, his little mind working, brow knitting every few stones as he assesses them. I simply watch him, ignoring the ache in my chest at knowing that our time is almost over. Mia sits on the porch swing watching us, her lips pulled down at the corners.
After an hour or so, Mia goes into the house and returns a few minutes later with a cut-up sandwich, an iPad and a pair of small headphones. “Snack time, Benny,” she says, setting all the items in front of him. She taps the iPad a few times, then helps him put the headphones over his ears as he sits up. Her eyes catch mine, and she inclines her head toward the swing seat. I get up and immediately stretch my back, easing all the knots from being in that same position for so long. She sits back on the swing seat, and I sit next to her, taking in the way she sits with her shoulders bowed, arms outstretched, hands gripping the edge of the seat. She’s guarded, and I don’t know why. “Did I do something?”
Her eyes snap to mine. “No, Leo,” she sighs. “You did nothing wrong.”
I don’t know what to say, so I stay quiet.
After a long stretch of silence, she says, her voice low as she watches Benny, “Seeing you both this morning, it kind of… I don’t know. It made me regret not telling you, I guess. You’ve missed out on so much, and… it was selfish of me.” Her voice cracks, and she clears it before adding, “I think I did such a good job of lying to myself, convincing myself I was doing the right thing that eventually… I believed it.”
I lean forward so our faces are closer, and I can keep my voice just above a whisper so Benny doesn’t hear. “It’s not like I made it easy,” I admit. “Obviously I’m pissed that I missed out on the first four years of his life, but I’m not pissed at you. I’m shitty at the situation we put ourselves in.” I pause a beat, cracking my knuckles. “We both made mistakes, but Benny—he isn’t one of them.”
She nods, understanding. “I should’ve known,” she says, still watching our son.
“Known what?” I urge.
It takes her a moment to answer. “How good you’d be with him. For him. I mean, I