"Gods, you smell like home."
"I was told that gold tigers don't look for home."
He shook his head. "Then they must have already found it, because everyone looks for home in someone." He whispered it as he turned his face against mine and put his lips on my cheek. It was almost a kiss, but not quite. His breath was warm against my skin.
My pulse was thick in my throat, my body tingling with his nearness. "Do you understand what could happen to you?" I tried to sound reasonable, but it came out as a hoarse whisper.
"I think so."
"We just have to wait for Alex, and then we can think about it. You can have time to think about it."
His hand cupped the side of my face, sliding his fingers into my hair. He kissed me, ever so softly on the other side of my face. "I don't want to think."
I closed my eyes as he rubbed his face against mine, like a cat scent-marking, his hand tightened in my hair enough that I made a small noise for him. "What do you want?"
"I want to go home," he whispered.
I drew away enough to look into his eyes; they'd already gone soft, half-focused. His lips were parted, and his lower lip was wet as if he'd licked it. The ardeur pushed at me; the tigers slapped at me, raking their claws down the inside of my body so that I half-crumpled in his arms. He caught me, held me, his face all concern. "Are you all right?"
I nodded. I was, but I wouldn't be if I fought too much longer. I thought about Alex, and I felt him, he was coming, but I felt his irritation with his mother; she'd delayed him. He was too far away, I couldn't hold out . . . I smelled Ethan's skin and was honest with myself: I didn't want to hold out. Yes, it was the ardeur, yes, it was the tigers inside me, but it was also his loneliness. I'd been lonely for years; I knew what it was like to be different and have no one love you for it.
"Are you all right?" he asked again, his hands on my arms now, as if he were afraid I'd fall.
"I will be," I said.
"What can I do?"
I drew back from the ardeur, shoved the tigers down, and knew it wouldn't last. "I need you to understand that I can't control all of this. I don't know how much of your free will you'll lose when we do this. I need you to really understand that, Ethan."