I tried to pull my hand back. "I see myself first thing in the morning, and trust me, I don’t roll out of bed looking that good."
He held my hand tighter. "Haven’t we proved by now that we find you fabulous in the morning?"
I scowled at him, but stopped pulling on my hand. "I was told all my childhood that I wasn’t pretty, and you guys love me because of vampire powers. You may not be able to help it."
Nathaniel’s arms encircled me from behind, as Micah came in from the front for a kiss. "You are beautiful, Anita, I swear it’s true," he whispered. I was tense in their arms, almost panicked; why? My father’s second wife had been blond and blue-eyed, tall and Nordic, as had her daughter from her first marriage, and the son they had together later. I loved my brother Josh, but I’d always looked like the dark secret in the family pictures, and Judith had been very quick to explain to friends that I wasn’t hers; that my mother had been Hispanic. I’d always blamed my lack of self-esteem on that, but now I realized that wasn’t all of it. It wasn’t like a buried memory, just one I hadn’t looked at before.
"My Grandmother Blake took care of me while my father worked for about a year. I’d just lost my mom, and she told me that I was ugly, that I better not count on finding a husband, but get an education and a job and take care of myself."
"What?" Micah said. Nathaniel’s arms tightened around me.
"Don’t make me say it again; it’s such a shitty thing to do to a little kid."
"You know it’s not true," Micah said, studying my face.
I nodded, and then shook my head. "I guess, not really. I mean, I see how people react to me so I know I clean up well, but I can’t really see why you guys react to me. I just see what my grandmother and then my stepmother told me wasn’t tall enough, white enough, pretty enough." The tightness in my chest eased the panic flowing away on the realization that even if I’d been an ugly little girl, a grandmother who loved you wouldn’t have said it. She might have encouraged you to study hard and get a career, but she wouldn’t have told you it was because you were ugly and no man would have you.
Nathaniel kissed the side of my face as Micah kissed my lips. I stayed motionless in their arms, letting the knowledge of that childhood memory wash over me. "Why did I remember that now?" I asked, softly.
"You were ready to remember," Nathaniel whispered. "We bring up the pain in pieces so we can look at it in small bites."
Jason spoke softly from just behind Nathaniel. "First, you are beautiful and desirable, and that was evil of her. Second, one thing I’ve learned in therapy is that when you feel your most safe, most happy, is when the really painful stuff rears its head."
"I remember Nathaniel’s therapist saying that when you started having bad dreams. Why does it have to work that way?" I asked, still held between the other two men.
"You feel safe enough and you believe you have enough of a support network to look at the really bad stuff, so when your life is going its best, we all have a tendency to dredge up the worst of our pain."
I turned in their arms so I could see Jason’s face. "That sucks," I said.