"It's not lust you want from me."
His gaze dropped. He almost closed his eyes, the expression on his face like a man bracing for a blow. He whispered, "No."
I went up on tiptoe, put my hands on either side of his face, one so smooth like satin and silk, but softer, the other rough, pitted, hardly feeling like skin at all. "I do love you, Asher."
His eyes opened, and they were so raw, so full of so many things that could be used to hurt.
"I don't know how much was Jean-Claude's memories at first, but whatever it began as, I do love you. Me, no one else."
"Yet you have not taken me to your bed."
"I love a lot of people that I don't sleep with. Okay, that I don't have sex with."
The expression in his eyes began to die. I realized what I'd said, "I want you to come to bed tonight, please, Asher, and not just for sleeping."
He put his hands on either side of mine. "Only to keep me safe from Musette."
I couldn't argue that, but . . . "That's true, but does that matter so very much? Does it matter that that's why?"
He smiled gently and moved my hands away from his face. "Yes, Anita, it does matter why. You will take me to your bed tonight, but tomorrow you will feel guilty and you will run away again."
I frowned at him. "You talk like I've done this before with you, and I haven't."
He patted my hands between his. "You took four men into that bed over there, four of us, yet you have sex with only Jean-Claude. You feed the ardeurfrom Nathaniel, but you have not f**ked him." He let go of my hands and shook his head, laughing. "Only you could have the strength of will to sleep night after night beside such beauty and not take all that Nathaniel had to offer. I have met saints and priests over the centuries that had not your will to resist temptation."
"I don't seem to be resisting all that much anymore," I said, hands on hips.
He laughed again, smile fading as he did it. "Jason you have put firmly back into the box, marked 'friend.' But what of me? I do not wish to join you in that bed again, if tomorrow I will be merely another friend. I cannot bear it."
I frowned up at him. I'd done my best to forget what happened when Belle Morte caused the ardeurto rise months ago. Thanks to her, I'd participated in the closest thing I hoped to ever get to an orgy. No intercourse, but a lot of hands and bodies touching where they shouldn't have been. Asher was right; I'd done my best to ignore the whole thing. Ignore it hard enough, and it never happened. But of course it had happened, and I'd not dealt with it.
"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry that I'm a little squeamish about having been in bed with four men at the same time. Yeah, it embarrassed me, so sue me."
"Tonight will embarrass you, too."
"A lot of things embarrass me, Asher, I can't help that."
"You cannot help but be who and what you are, Anita. I would not change you, but I also will not be just a night of charity in your bed. I tell you I could not bear being cast out again."
I knew in that instant that he didn't mean me casting him out from our bed after the ardeur.He meant what Belle had done to him all those centuries ago. She had thrown him away like a damaged toy. After all, you can always buy more toys.
I started to pace back and forth in front of him, not looking at either of them, but doing something, anything for the nervous energy that was building up. "What do you want from me, Asher? A guarantee?"
"Yes," he said, at last. "That is exactly what I want from you."
I stopped pacing and looked at him. "What kind of guarantee? That I won't freak out about this tomorrow?" I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I can't promise, because I don't know how I'll feel."
"What will Micah say, if he finds out you've been with me?"
"Micah is okay with it."
Asher looked at me.
"I know, I know, I keep waiting for him to pitch a fit about something. He's fine with sharing me with Jean-Claude, and Nathaniel, and, I quote, anyone else that you need to include,' unquote."
Asher widened eyes at me. "My, isn't he understanding."
"You have no idea," I said. "When he came into my life, he said he'd do anything to stay with me, anything to be my Nimir-Raj. So far he's meant it."