always took to the river and parked by the water, gripping the steering wheel tightly, trying to squeeze out my toxic energy.
I called my mom, and before she could do more than ask where I was, I started yelling, demanding to know why she’d made Fourth of July plans for me without telling me.
My mom sounded as bewildered as Maritza had been. “Codi,” she said, leveling her voice the way she always did when Grant or I got out of hand, “what exactly is the problem here?”
“You just assumed I would want to have Maritza over!” I yelled. “You didn’t even ask me! What if I’d made plans to do something else?!”
“What other plans would you have had?” Mom asked, like I had just said the most impossible thing in the world.
A numbness coursed through my body, threatening to swallow me up. “Never mind. I’ll be home later,” I said shortly, and I hung up.
I sat there shaking, rubbing my hands up and down my thighs. The fact that my mom couldn’t fathom my having plans beyond Maritza and JaKory made me feel enraged and pathetic and resentful all at once. I knew it was partly my own fault—that I was hiding whole parts of my life from everyone—but just for once I wanted people to believe I was capable of being more than what I’d always been.
Everything was so goddamn stupid. I’d messed things up with Lydia because I was anxious and afraid; my friendship with Ricky was a one-sided joke; and Maritza and JaKory were always going to be there, but instead of that making me feel safe and comforted, it just made me feel stuck.
I wanted to grow. I wanted to feel like someone different. I wanted to know that my friends and my weekends and my crushes were things I was choosing for myself. But as I sat there in the hot, quiet night, with the self-righteous rage draining out of me, it seemed I was destined to remain the same limited, lifeless person I’d always been.
* * *
That Monday, the Fourth of July, was the worst day of the summer. I woke up with a pit in my stomach, knowing I needed to cancel my plans to go to Lake Lanier with Lydia, Ricky, and the whole crew. I texted Natalie that I’d come down with a freak summer fever and wouldn’t be able to make it. It was a stupid lie, but I knew it didn’t matter; Lydia would have told her what had happened by now, and Ricky would probably make it clear that he wasn’t interested in being my friend anymore.
All morning I tortured myself with visions of how the night could have gone. I pictured Lydia wearing red, white, and blue, her hair tied back like it had been on Saturday night, her eyes reflecting the fireworks. I imagined stealing her away from everyone to kiss her in the dark, and Ricky giving me a knowing grin when we came back holding hands, and the rest of the group embracing us while we ate hot dogs and hamburgers and s’mores.
But instead, I’d be staying home for a playdate my mom had set up for me. A playdate with the two friends who thought I was a loser.
JaKory Green: Are we still coming over tonight? Maritza said y’all had a fight …
I sighed. I wanted nothing more than to be alone, but it felt like more trouble than it was worth to cancel plans with them.
Yeah of course. See you around 6.
* * *
From the moment they got there, I knew I’d made a mistake. Maritza was still acting tentative around me, and her way of dealing with it was to ingratiate herself with my family more than usual. She made a big show out of helping my mom shuck corn as if it was her penance for how she’d talked to me the night before. Meanwhile, JaKory pretended like nothing was wrong, but he kept studying me when he thought I wasn’t looking.
“Stop examining me,” I snapped as we sat on the deck, waiting for the fireworks to start.
“Sorry,” JaKory said, widening his eyes like I was crazy. “You just seem kinda agitated today.”
“I’m not agitated. I’m fine.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
I didn’t miss the loaded look he sent Maritza, but I ignored it and poured myself more lemonade.
“So … I wanted to ask y’all something,” JaKory said a few minutes later. He spread his hands over his knees and hesitated like he was