I was caught off guard by him asking. It felt so possible, so clearly within my reach … I mean, hadn’t I just been in there? Hadn’t I talked to someone I didn’t know? Couldn’t I walk back in there, side by side with the guy who was hosting this party, and feel like I belonged in that space?
I wanted it—and for the first time, I could admit that I wanted it—but I didn’t want to overdo it. Not tonight.
“I should probably go,” I said. “Maybe next time.”
Ricky looked like he was trying to figure me out. “All right,” he said finally. “It was really cool to meet you, Codi. Maybe we can hang out sometime.”
“I’d really like that,” I told him.
“And thanks for—um—not telling anyone what you saw.”
He looked at me one more time, his eyes serious and careful. Then he turned and disappeared into the house, and I was left on the driveway with a subtly different version of myself.
* * *
“This girl was so hot, Codi, you have no idea—”
“—Where are we? Can we get a cheeseburger?”
“—She had this gorgeous mouth, and eyes that cut straight to my soul, I don’t know why she had to walk away like that—”
“—Or nachos! We should get nachos!”
“Will you two SHUT UP!” I yelled, swatting JaKory into the back seat.
We were one turn away from my house, and Maritza and JaKory were even drunker than when I’d first run into them at the party. I’d been trying to drive carefully, not wanting to mess up Maritza’s car, but the two of them had been yelling in my ear from the moment they’d met me in the driveway.
“We’re home,” I announced, turning off Maritza’s headlights as I rolled up to my house. “Now listen.” I turned to stare them down. “The two of you are very drunk, and you’re being very loud, and my parents are going to be very upset if they catch us sneaking in right now. So you’re going to follow me down through the basement without talking, got it?”
JaKory giggled in the back seat. Maritza sighed dramatically and said, “You just don’t understand how hot this girl was, though.”
“Yeah, Maritza, I get it, and I’m sorry you didn’t make out with her, but it’s time for us to go to bed.”
“Will you make us nachos?” JaKory asked.
I sighed. A few days ago, I would have found drunk Maritza and JaKory to be hilarious. But now, after the conversation we’d had by the river, and after the big night I’d had without them, all I wanted was to be alone with my thoughts.
I managed to get them down the driveway pretty easily; JaKory only tripped twice. I got them inside, got all three of us waters and a bag of pretzels, and pulled extra blankets and pillows from the basement closet.
JaKory burrowed into a sleeping bag on the floor while Maritza and I curled up on the couches. For a few minutes we didn’t talk, just ate our pretzels and gulped down water. Then Maritza rubbed her hand down her face and said, “It was really fun, Codi. You should’ve come earlier.”
I didn’t answer. This was the point where I normally would have told them about Ricky, this raw, three-dimensional boy I’d crossed paths with tonight, and about the moment I decided to walk into the party despite my gnawing fear. But lying there in the darkness, any desire I had to share my experience evaporated into the air. Tonight I’d proved that I could be bigger than they believed. That I could be brave, and daring, and maybe even a hint of a real Teenager. And for now, the only person who needed to know that was me.
“I don’t want you to miss out on things,” Maritza went on, peering at me through her drunken haze. “You gotta have experiences, you know?”
“Experiences,” JaKory echoed from the floor. His eyes were closed and he was breathing through his mouth.
I got up, turned off the light, and curled deeper into my fleece blanket. Within three minutes both of my friends were snoring. I was used to their nighttime breathing, but tonight I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t turn off my mind.
For the first time I could remember, I left my friends in the basement and went to sleep in my own bed.
5
I had to work at nine o’clock the next morning, which meant I had to wake Maritza and JaKory up well before they’d finished sleeping