Late to the Party - Kelly Quindlen Page 0,11

Didn’t that feel as shitty for you as it did for me? I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out. We keep hanging out just the three of us, doing the same shit we always do, watching bad movies we’ve already seen…” She clasped her hands in front of her and steeled herself. “We need to try something different, meet people who are different. It’s like Einstein said: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result.”

I looked between them. “This isn’t an experiment, you guys,” I said, trying to slow them down, to make them see reason. “We can’t just throw stuff at the wall and hope it sticks. We need to think this through, figure out how to make ourselves ready—”

“Our entire adolescence is an experiment,” Maritza cut in. “And it’s time to try something new. Now. Today.”

I sat in silence, a wave of panic crashing over me.

“She’s right, Codi,” JaKory said quietly. “We’re obviously not happy with how things are going, so we need to make a change.”

I looked at Maritza. “Why did you tell JaKory the plan first? Why didn’t you tell us together?”

They exchanged brief, meaningful looks that made my stomach turn.

“What?” I asked.

“Well—it’s just—don’t take this the wrong way, but I knew you’d be the harder one to convince. You’re more … you know…”

“What?” I asked sharply.

“Complacent,” JaKory said, wincing.

“I’m not complacent!” I yelled. “Not any more than you, anyway!”

JaKory’s eyes sizzled. “Yeah, well, I’m done being complacent. I’m done being afraid.”

Maritza’s words had obviously gotten to him. She had drawn a line in the sand, marking herself as brave, daring, and adventurous on one side, and marking me as cowardly, weak, and stagnant on the other. JaKory was aligning himself with the side he wanted to be known for.

“I’m sorry,” Maritza said, without sounding like it. “It just feels like I have to push you more. You’re so content to flap around in your comfort zone.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” I said, my voice rising.

“Then stop acting like that,” she countered, her voice matching mine.

“Like what?”

“Like you’re small. Like you’re afraid of everything.”

“I’m not afraid—”

“I think you are. You’ve always been afraid to put yourself out there, even when you want something badly. Can’t you see you deserve bigger things, Codi?”

My chest was heaving; my cheeks were burning. Never before had Maritza attacked me like this, going straight for my weak points like my brother did. I glowered at her, and she glowered back, and there was something more than anger in her eyes. It took me a beat to recognize it, but when I did, my stomach plummeted.

It was worse than anger, worse than pity: There was something in Maritza that was ashamed to be my friend.

All the breath seemed to go out of me. Just when I’d started to worry that I was outgrowing my best friends, they had rushed to the same conclusion about outgrowing me. They were ready to leave me in the dust and set off on their new adventure together. I stared at the two of them like I’d never seen them before. In a way, I felt like I’d never truly seen myself before.

“Well?” Maritza said after a heavy pause. “Are we gonna go tonight?”

There was silence for a long, hanging moment. I watched the rushing river. The moment stretched on.

“No,” I said. “If this is really how you guys think of me, then I don’t want any part of your stupid plan. Y’all have fun.”

As I stood up, I caught them looking away from each other. An impenetrable wall seemed to solidify in my chest, and suddenly I was desperate to get away from them.

* * *

I stayed in my room that night, playing music and sketching for hours. It was comforting and familiar, but several times I found myself staring at my sketchbook without seeing it, lost in visions of Maritza and JaKory at that party. They were somewhere here, in my neighborhood, but not to hang out with me. That had never happened before.

Were they relieved I wasn’t with them? Were they meeting new friends who were cool and outgoing? Were they sneaking off into dark corners for those make-out sessions they were so desperate for?

Around midnight I decided to go to bed, but just as I got up to brush my teeth, my phone chimed with a text.

Maritza Vargas: Are you up? I know I’m not your favorite right now but