as he looked at me, as his lips spoke my name and ran along my skin ... I knew those pieces could come back together. And I knew, with absolute certainty, that waiting for this--for my second time having sex--had been the right thing to do. Anyone else, any other time ... it would have been wrong.
When we finished, it was like we still couldn't get close enough. We held each other tightly, our limbs entwined, as though maybe closing the distance now would make up for the distance that had been between us for so long.
I closed my eyes, my senses flooded with him, and sighed dreamily. "I'm glad you gave in. I'm glad your self-control isn't as strong as mine.'
This made him laugh, and I felt it rumble through his chest. "Roza, my self-control is ten times stronger than yours.'
I opened my eyes, shifting to look into his. I brushed his hair back and smiled, certain my heart would expand and expand until there was nothing left of me. "Oh yeah? That's not the impression I just got.'
"Wait until next time,' he warned. "I'll do things that'll make you lose control within seconds.'
That comment was just asking for a witty Rose Hathaway quip. It also made my blood burn, which was why we were both surprised when I abruptly said, "There may not be a next time.'
Dimitri's hand, tracing the shape of my shoulder, froze. "What? Why?'
"We have a couple of things to do before this happens again.'
"Adrian,' he guessed.
I nodded. "And that's my problem, so put your honor-able thoughts aside. I have to face him and answer for this. I will. And you ...' I couldn't believe what I was about to say. I couldn't believe I meant it. "You still have to forgive yourself if we're going to be together.'
His puzzled expression turned to pain. "Rose--'
"I'm serious.' I met his eyes unflinchingly. "You have to forgive yourself. For real. Everyone else has. If you can't, then you can't go on either. We can't.'
It was one of the biggest gambles of my life. Once, I would have run to him without question, ignoring our problems, overjoyed just to be with him. Now ... after everything I'd been through, I'd changed. I loved him. I loved him so much, and I wanted him. But it was because of the strength of that love that I had to do this. If were going to be together, we had to do it the right way. Sex had been amazing, but it wasn't a magical cure for everything. Damn. Somewhere along the way, I'd picked up common sense. I still intended to confront Adrian. And if Dimitri wouldn't do what I asked, I really would walk away. I'd lose both men, but it was better to be alone with my self-respect than be in the wrong relationship.
"I don't know,' Dimitri said at last. "I don't know if I can ... if I'm ready.'
"Decide soon then,' I said. "You don't have to right this second, but eventually ...'
I didn't push the topic after that. For now, I would let it go, though I knew he would hold onto it and grasp its importance. I knew I was right to stand by it too. He couldn't be happy with me if he wasn't happy with himself. It occurred to me then, as I stood up for myself and what I needed, that our old teacher-student roles were gone forever. Now we really were equals.
I rested my head on his chest and felt him relax. We'd bask in this moment, if only for a little longer. Sonya had said we needed "rest,' making me think we still had some time here before the ticking clock drove us back to Court. As Dimitri and I continued to keep close to one another, I found myself actually wanting to sleep. I was exhausted from the fight--which, I realized, had taken a very unexpected turn. My guilt and despair over Victor and the explosion of spirit had taken their toll too, no matter the healing locket still around my neck. And yes, I thought with a small smile, I was simply exhausted from what Dimitri and I had just done. It was kind of nice to use my body for something that didn't result in serious injury for a change.
I fell asleep in his embrace, blackness wrapping around me as warmly as his arms. It should have been that simple. It should have been peaceful, happy rest.