Lamb The Gospel According to Biff Christs Childho - By Christopher Moore Page 0,54

hag selling a bouquet of monkey feet to a fat trader dressed in striped silks and a wide conical hat woven from some sort of tough grass.

"But these are all back feet," the trader protested.

"Same magic, better price," said the hag, pulling back a shawl she wore over one side of her face to reveal a milky white eye. This was obviously her intimidation move.

The trader wasn't having it. "It is a well-known fact that the front paw of a monkey is the best talisman for telling the future, but the back - "

"You'd think the monkey would see something coming," I said, and they both looked at me as if I'd just sneezed on their falafel. The old woman drew back as if to cast a spell, or maybe a rock, at me. "If that were true," I continued, "I mean - about telling the future with a monkey paw - I mean - because he would have four of them - paws, that is - and, uh - never mind."

"How much are these?" said Joshua, holding up a handful of dried newts from the hag's baskets. The old woman turned to Josh.

"You can't use that many," the hag said.

"I can't?" asked Joshua.

"These are useless," said the merchant, waving the hind legs and feet of two and a half former monkeys, which looked like tiny people feet, except that they were furry and the toes were longer.

"If you're a monkey I'll bet they come in handy to keep your butt from dragging on the ground," I said, ever the peacemaker.

"Well, how many do I need?" Joshua asked, wondering how his diversion to save me had turned into a negotiation for newt crispies.

"How many of your camels are constipated?" asked the crone.

Joshua dropped the dried newts back into their basket. "Well, uh..."

"Do those work?" asked the merchant. "For plugged-up camels, I mean."

"Never fails."

The merchant scratched his pointed beard with a monkey foot. "I'll meet your price on these worthless monkey feet if you throw in a handful of newts."

"Deal," said the crone.

The merchant opened a satchel he had slung around his shoulder and dropped in his monkey feet, then followed them with a handful of newts. "So how do these work? Make them into tea and have the camel drink it?"

"Other end," said the crone. "They go in whole. Count to one hundred and step back."

The merchant's eyes went wide, then narrowed into a squint and he turned to me. "Kid," he said, "if you can count to a hundred, I've got a job for you."

"He'd love to work for you, sir," Joshua said, "but we have to find Balthasar the magus."

The crone hissed and backed to the corner of her booth, covering all of her face but her milky eye. "How do you know of Balthasar?" She held her hands in front of her like claws and I could see her trembling.

"Balthasar!" I shouted at her, and the old woman nearly jumped through the wall behind her. I snickered and was ready to Balthasar! her again when Josh interrupted.

"Balthasar came from here to Bethlehem to witness my birth," said Joshua. "I'm seeking his counsel. His wisdom."

"You would hail the darkness, you would consort with demons and fly with the evil Djinn like Balthasar? I won't have you near my booth, be gone from here." She made the sign of the evil eye, which in her case was redundant.

"No, no, no," I said. "None of that. The magus left some, uh, frankincense at Joshua's house. We need to return it to him."

The old woman regarded me with her good eye. "You're lying."

"Yes, he is," said Josh.

"BALTHASAR!" I screamed in her face. It didn't have the same effect as the first time around and I was a little disappointed.

"Stop that," she said.

Joshua reached out to take her craggy hand. "Grandmother," he said, "our ship's captain, Titus Inventius, said you would know where to find Balthasar. Please help us."

The old woman seemed to relax, and just when I thought she was going to smile, she raked her nails across Joshua's hand and leapt back. "Titus Inventius is a scalawag," she shouted.

Joshua stared at the blood welling up in the scratches on the back of his hand and I thought for a second that he might faint. He never understood it when someone was violent or unkind. I'd probably be half a day explaining to him why the old woman scratched him, but right then I was furious.

"You know what? You know what?