Lamb The Gospel According to Biff Christs Childho - By Christopher Moore Page 0,51

been married."

"Is it always the same for you?"

"Well, in some ways, yes."

"In what ways?"

"Well, so far, it seems to be moist."

"Moist?"

"Yeah, but I can't say it's always that way, just in my experience. Maybe we should ask a harlot?"

"Better yet," Joshua said, looking around, "I'll ask Titus. He's older, and he looks as if he's sinned a lot."

"Yeah, well, if you count throwing Jews in the sea, I'd say he's an expert, but that doesn't mean - "

Joshua had run to the stern of the ship, up a ladder to the raised poop deck, and to a small, open-sided tent that acted as the captain's quarters. Under the tent Titus reclined on a pile of rugs, drinking from a wineskin, which I saw him hand to Joshua.

By the time I caught up with him Titus was saying, "So you want to know about fucking? Well, son, you have come to the right place. I've fucked a thousand women, half again as many boys, some sheep, pigs, a few chickens, and the odd turtle. What is it you want to know?"

"Stand away from him, Josh," I said, taking the wineskin and handing it back to Titus as I pushed Joshua back. "The wrath of God could hit him at any moment. Jeez, a turtle, that's got to be an abomination." Titus flinched when I mentioned the wrath of God, as if the angel might return to perch on his mast any second.

Joshua stood his ground. "Right now let's just stick with the women part of it, if that's all right." Joshua patted Titus's arm to reassure him. I knew how that touch felt: Titus would feel the fear run out of him like water.

"I've fucked every kind of woman there is. I've fucked Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Jews, Ethiopians, and women from places that haven't even been named yet. I've fucked fat ones, skinny ones, women with no legs, women with - "

"Are you married?" Joshua interrupted before the sailor started into how he had fucked them in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse...

"I have a wife in Rome."

"Is it the same with your wife and, say, a harlot?"

"What, fucking? No, it's not the same at all."

"It's moist," I said. "Right?"

"Well, yes, it's moist. But that's not - "

I grabbed Joshua's tunic and started to drag him away. "There you have it. Let's go, Josh. Now you know, sin is moist. Make a mental note. Let's get some supper."

Titus was laughing. "You Jews and your sin. You know if you had more gods you wouldn't have to be so worried about making one angry?"

"Right," I said, "I'm going to take spiritual advice from a guy who fucks turtles."

"You shouldn't be so judgmental, Biff," Joshua said. "You're not without sin yourself."

"Oh, you and your holier-than-thou attitude. You can just do your own sinning from now on if that's how you feel. You think I enjoy bedding harlots night after night, describing the whole process to you over and over?"

"Well, yeah," Joshua said.

"That's not the point. The point is, well...the point is...well. Guilt. I mean - turtles. I mean - " So I was flustered. Sue me. I'd never look at a turtle again without imagining it being molested by a scruffy Phoenician sailor. That's not disturbing to you? Imagine it right now. I'll wait. See?

"He's gone mad," Titus said.

"You shut up, you scurvy viper," Joshua said.

"What about not being judgmental?" Titus said.

"That's him," Josh said. "It's different for me." And suddenly, having said that, Joshua looked as sad as I had ever seen him. He slouched away toward the pigpen, where he sat down and cradled his head in his hands as if he'd just been crowned with the weight of all the worries of mankind. He kept to himself until we left the ship.

The Silk Road, the main vein of trade and custom and culture from the Roman world to the Far East, terminated where it met the sea at the port city of Selucia Pieria, the harbor city and naval stronghold that had fed and guarded Antioch since the time of Alexander. As we left the ship with the rest of the crew, Captain Titus stopped us at the gangplank. He held his hands, palm down. Joshua and I reached out and Titus dropped the coins we'd paid for passage into our palms. "I might have been holding a brace of scorpions, but you two reached out without a thought."

"It was a fair price to pay,"