Lamb The Gospel According to Biff Christs Childho - By Christopher Moore Page 0,22

statues of people."

Maggie covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. "Statues, really? I would love to see them."

"Then come with us, we are leaving tomorrow very early, before anyone is awake."

"I couldn't. Where would I tell my mother I was going?"

"Tell her that you are going to Sepphoris with the Messiah and his pal."

Her eyes went wide and I looked away quickly, before I was caught in their spell. "You shouldn't talk that way, Biff."

"I saw the angel."

"You said yourself that we shouldn't say it."

"I was only joking. Tell your mother that I told you about a beehive that I found and that you want to go find some honey while the bees are still groggy from the morning cold. It's a full moon tonight, so you'll be able to see. She just might believe you."

"She might, but she'll know I was lying when I don't bring home any honey."

"Tell her it was a hornets' nest. She thinks Josh and I are stupid anyway, doesn't she?"

"She thinks that Joshua is touched in the head, but you, yes, she thinks you're stupid."

"You see, my plan is working. For it is written that 'if the wise man always appears stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.'"

Maggie smacked me on the leg. "That is not written."

"Sure it is, Imbeciles three, verse seven."

"There is no book of Imbeciles."

"Drudges five-four?"

"You're making that up."

"Come with us, you can be back to Nazareth before it's time to fetch the morning water."

"Why so early? What are you two up to?"

"We're going to circumcise Apollo."

She didn't say anything, she just looked at me, as if she would see "Liar" written across my forehead in fire.

"It wasn't my idea," I said. "It was Joshua's."

"I'll go then," she said.
Chapter 5
Chapter 5

Well, it worked, I finally got the angel to leave the room. It went like this:

Raziel called down to the front desk and asked him to send Jesus up. A few minutes later our Latin pal stood at attention at the foot of the angel's bed.

Raziel said, "Tell him I need a Soap Opera Digest."

In Spanish, I said, "Good afternoon, Jesus. How are you today?"

"I am well, sir, and you?"

"As good as can be expected, considering this man is holding me prisoner."

"Tell him to hurry," said Raziel.

"He doesn't understand Spanish?" Jesus asked.

"Not a word of it, but don't start speaking Hebrew or I'm sunk."

"Are you really a prisoner? I wondered why you two never left the room. Should I call the police?"

"No, that won't be necessary, but please shake your head and look apologetic."

"What is taking so long?" Raziel said. "Give him the money and tell him to go."

"He said he is not allowed to buy publications for you, but he can direct you to a place where you can purchase them yourself."

"That's ridiculous, he's a servant, isn't he? He will do as I ask."

"Oh my, Jesus, he has asked if you would like to feel the power of his manly nakedness."

"Is he crazy? I have a wife and two children."

"Sadly, yes. Please show him that you are offended by his offer by spitting on him and storming out of the room."

"I don't know, sir, spitting on a guest..."

I handed him a handful of the bills that he'd taught me were appropriate gratuities. "Please, it will be good for him."

"Very well, Mister Biff." He produced an impressive loogie and launched it at the front of the angel's robe, where it splatted and ran.

Raziel leapt to his feet.

"Well done, Jesus, now curse."

"You fuckstick!"

"In Spanish."

"Sorry, I was showing off my English. I know many swear words."

"Well done. Spanish please."

"Pendejo!"

"Splendid, now storm out."

Jesus turned on his heel and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

"He spit on me?" Raziel said, still not believing it. "An angel of the Lord, and he spit on me."

"Yes, you offended him."

"He called me a fuckstick. I heard him."

"In his culture, it is an affront to ask another man to buy a Soap Opera Digest for you. We'll be lucky if he ever brings us a pizza again."

"But I want a Soap Opera Digest."

"He said you can buy one just down the street, I will be happy to go get one for you."

"Not so fast, Apostle, none of your tricks. I'll get it myself, you stay here."

"You'll need money." I handed him some bills.

"If you leave the room I will find you in an instant, you know that?"

"Absolutely."

"You cannot hide from me."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Hurry now."

He sort of shuffled sideways toward the