Lamb The Gospel According to Biff Christs Childho - By Christopher Moore Page 0,11

she asked Joshua.

"I will do the work of my father, eventually, yes."

"And you?" she asked me.

"I'm thinking of being a professional mourner. How hard can it be? Tear at your hair, sing a dirge or two, take the rest of the week off."

"His father is a stonemason," Joshua said. "We may both learn that skill." At my urging, my father had offered to take Joshua on as an apprentice if Joseph approved.

"Or a shepherd," I added quickly. "Being a shepherd seems easy. I went with Kaliel last week to tend his flock. The Law says that two must go with the flock to keep an abomination from happening. I can spot an abomination from fifty paces."

Maggie smiled. "And did you prevent any abominations?"

"Oh yes, I kept all of the abominations at bay while Kaliel played with his favorite sheep behind the bushes."

"Biff," Joshua said gravely, "that was the abomination you were supposed to prevent."

"It was?"

"Yes."

"Whoops. Oh well, I think I would make an excellent mourner. Do you know the words to any dirges, Maggie? I'm going to need to learn some dirges."

"I think that when I grow up," Maggie announced, "I shall go back to Magdala and become a fisherman on the Sea of Galilee."

I laughed, "Don't be silly, you are a girl. You can't be a fisherman."

"Yes I can."

"No, you can't. You have to marry and have sons. Are you betrothed, by the way?"

Joshua said: "Come with me, Maggie, and I will make you a fisher of men."

"What the hell does that mean?" Maggie asked.

I grabbed Joshua by the back of his robe and began to drag him away. "Don't pay any attention to him. He's mad. He gets it from his mother. Lovely woman, but a loony. Come now, Josh, let's sing a dirge."

I began improvising what I thought was a good funeral song.

"La-la-la. Oh, we are really, really sad that your mom is dead. Too bad you're a Sadducee and don't believe in an afterlife and your mom is just going to be worm food, la-la. Makes you think that you might want to reconsider, huh? Fa-la-la-la-la-la-wacka-wacka." (It sounded great in Aramaic. Really.)

"You two are silly."

"Gotta go. Mourning to do. See you."

"A fisher of women?" Josh said.

"Fa-la-la-la, don't feel bad - she was old and had no teeth left, la-la-la. Come on, people, you know the words!"

Later, I said, "Josh, you can't keep saying creepy things like that. 'Fisher of men,' you want the Pharisees to stone you? Is that what you want?"

"I'm only doing my father's work. Besides, Maggie is our friend, she wouldn't say anything."

"You're going to scare her away."

"No I won't. She's going to be with us, Biff."

"Are you going to marry her?"

"I don't even know if I'm allowed to marry at all, Biff. Look."

We were topping the hill into Japhia, and we could see the crowd of mourners gathering around the village. Joshua was pointing to a red crest that stood out above the crowd - the helmet crest of a Roman centurion. The centurion was talking to the Levite priest, who was arrayed in white and gold, his white beard reaching past his belt. As we moved into the village we could see twenty or thirty other soldiers watching the crowd.

"Why are they here?"

"They don't like it when we gather," Joshua said, pausing to study the centurion commander. "They are here to see that we don't revolt."

"Why is the priest talking to him?"

"The Sadducee wants to assure the Roman of his influence over us. It wouldn't do to have a massacre on the day of his mother's funeral."

"So he's watching out for us."

"He's watching out for himself. Only for himself."

"You shouldn't say that about a priest of the Temple, Joshua." It was the first time I ever heard Joshua speak against the Sadducees, and it frightened me.

"Today, I think this priest will learn who the Temple belongs to."

"I hate it when you talk like that, Josh. Maybe we should go home."

"Do you remember the dead meadowlark we found?"

"I have a really bad feeling about this."

Joshua grinned at me. I could see gold flecks shining in his eyes. "Sing your dirge, Biff. I think Maggie was impressed by your singing."

"Really? You think so?"

"Nope."

There was a crowd of five hundred outside the tomb. In the front, the men had draped striped shawls over their heads and rocked as they prayed. The women were separated to the back, and except for the wailing of the hired mourners, it was as if they didn't exist. I