Lakewood - Megan Giddings Page 0,48

lecture on the importance of understanding stress as a manageable state of mind by ripping down both versions of the poster. She took the pieces and burned them in the parking lot. This is what I call desserts, she would yell at Judy. Instead, Lena smiled and said, “Well, I’ve got some work to do,” and went to her desk.

Day 37. Lena woke up at 3 a.m. to a text from Tanya. Are you mad at me? I’m sorry if I was an asshole about something. She continued, writing more in a rambling, misspelled way. She obviously had been drinking while she texted.

Day 39. Lena responded: Work is kicking my ass, I’m sorry.

Day 40. Lena took a walk by herself in the woods behind Great Lakes Shipping Company. Everyone else was doing an office yoga session led by Judy; Lena refused to participate. The woods were quiet, peaceful, and no one there was telling Lena how bad her balance was for someone so young.

Sitting on the path, as if it were a domesticated cat, was a raccoon. It was very clean, with a thick, full tail. The raccoon opened its mouth. “I’m dying here,” it said. Its voice sounded familiar, but Lena couldn’t place it. “I’m dying here,” it said again.

“That’s sad,” Lena replied. She turned around and kept on walking.

15

Last night, I had a dream a doctor performed wide-awake surgery on me. He pulled apricot after apricot from my abdomen and throat. When he was done, the scar on my stomach looked like a diamond bracelet. He said I had to come back every time I have an ache there or if I pee more than six times in a day; those would be signs I was growing apricots again. The doctor lifted an apricot up to me. It was perfect and unblemished. He bit into it and it hurt me so bad. I said, That’s a part of me, but he didn’t care. He took another bite, juice dripped down his chin.”

Dr. Lisa took notes. “What do you think that means?”

“I don’t really know.” Lena looked up at the ceiling. “Maybe it’s insecurities about my body. Or maybe I’m worried about getting sick like my grandma. It doesn’t take a genius to leap from a dream about things growing in my body to—” She paused. “Cancer.” Lena still hated the word.

Dr. Lisa’s hand rested on the desk between them. “I feel like you’re really starting to be less guarded in these sessions.”

“Thank you?” Lena said. She stopped herself from raising her eyebrows at the implication that before she had been dishonest.

Dr. Lisa poured Lena a glass of water and set it next to her hand.

“Let’s shift over to hypotheticals. Say there’s an earthquake or tornado. What happens if one neighborhood is spared? Do they start thinking it was a miracle? Do they try to find the cause or just enjoy their luck?”

“I don’t think I could speak for an entire neighborhood.” Lena waited for the doctor to prompt her to talk about what she would do. Or to pull out more pictures. Tell me what you see. Another thought experiment. When I say “viper,” you say _____________. The dim light in the office made Dr. Lisa’s pupils and irises indistinguishable.

“What if a friend told you all the mailmen in her neighborhood were spies. They read her mail, including the catalogs. She is sure they’re keeping track of her entire life. Would you believe her?”

Lena scratched the side of her face. “Only her? And does she have a theory about why she’s so special?”

“Only her.”

“Does she have proof?”

“Just her word.”

“I—” Lena exhaled, shook her head. “In the scenario, have I been in her neighborhood? Because maybe if I’d been there, and if there was a weird vibe, I might be more likely to believe her. But if I had never been there, I would think about nice but frank ways to talk to her about her mental health and how I wanted her to be okay.”

The fingernail on Dr. Lisa’s ring finger was unusually long, as if she had forgotten to cut it for over a month. She seemed unimpressed by Lena’s answer. “Let’s circle back. If a neighborhood has suffered a disaster—maybe a flood, maybe something that makes it much harder for them to live, whatever—how many people do you think find a new faith? And not just in Jesus, but in their government.”

“I doubt I would. But I think a lot of people turn to God when