leaned her head back against the leather seat and closed her eyes, remembering their last night together. It had been late; Cody had fallen asleep long before. They’d been sitting in bed, Phillip reading, she watching Letter-man. Or had it been Leno? As she’d pretended to watch TV, all she’d been able to think about that night was how much she didn’t want her husband to leave. She’d wanted to tell him to stay, to stay with her and Cody. But she’d been unable to vocalize that need—afraid to hear what his choice would be. In the end, all she’d been able to say was, “Are you sure?”
“What if it was Cody, Anna?” he’d said, taking off his glasses. “What if he needed help, and there were no doctors to save him? I have to go.”
Hearing him, she’d felt selfish and small and had assured him he was right.
The next morning she’d driven him to the airport and hugged him good-bye. It wasn’t until she was driving home that she realized how easily they’d both been able to abandon their embrace. She told herself it was because she knew he wouldn’t be gone that long. She was embarrassed now to realize how smug she’d been, believing that her husband—a man who’d only known privilege and comfort—couldn’t possibly survive the horrific conditions in a third world country. But as the days turned into weeks and then months, Anna had to face the truth: not only could he survive, but maybe this trip wasn’t so much about giving back as it was about getting away.
Angry with her train of thought, she gathered her purse and briefcase and made her way to the house. The garage door rolled closed behind her with a familiar whine.
Why had she let her mind wander down that all-too-familiar path tonight of all nights? Today had been the highlight of her professional career, and she wasn’t about to dampen her excitement with memories that only went around and around, never finding a beginning. Or, more importantly, never finding an end.
The house was dark and stuffy from being closed up all day. Making her way through the kitchen, she cracked open the window above the sink and turned on the lights. As she continued through the downstairs, she dropped her purse and briefcase on the table in the foyer and picked up the mail that had been dropped through the slot in the front door. After leafing through it, she tossed the small stack into the glass bowl on the hall table and tried not to feel a stab of disappointment. Again, no letter from Phillip. Then she saw the flashing light on her answering machine. Like a teenage girl, her heart thumped hard against her chest. She hit the Play button.
But it wasn’t Phillip’s voice that came through the tiny speaker. “Hi, honey. It’s Mom. Call when you get a chance. Love you.”
The message clicked off, and for several long moments Anna stood there, staring at the machine.
A rush of emotions filled her: disappointment, sadness, guilt, anger. And she wasn’t sure which one was justified, or if any were. She knew it wasn’t easy for Phillip to have access to a phone. But a part of her couldn’t help but wonder if he really wanted to call, wouldn’t he be able to find a way?
The last handful of times they’d talked, she’d been the one to initiate the call. And they’d all been dismal failures. Bad connections. Bad timing. Bad everything.
As she looked at the phone, she tried to convince herself to pick it up, to try again. But even as the thought crossed her mind, she knew she wouldn’t. She wanted him to be the one to make the next move. While she knew marriage wasn’t about keeping score, she also knew it took more than one person to keep a boat afloat. And lately she felt like she was the only one trying.
She grabbed the cordless phone and headed back into the kitchen. More out of habit than hunger, she opened the Sub-Zero refrigerator. God bless Marie. The fridge was stocked with all of her favorites. Cool air washed over her as she stared at the food, trying to make a decision. In the end, even though she hadn’t eaten all day, she closed the doors, and, instead, poured herself a tall glass of wine.
Hitting speed dial, she waited for her mom to pick up. On the fourth ring, the answering machine kicked in, and Anna