Anne had opened her office window, hoping to catch a breeze on this muggy afternoon, and now noise from the street intruded. Grinding truck gears and the roar of transit buses combined with the stifling heat to give Meghan a nasty headache. Anne fetched her a glass of water and she drank the whole thing down in one go, finishing off with a gasp of satisfaction. “Whew, that’s better, I hope it helps—I’m not thinking straight,” she complained.
“Don’t worry about it,” Anne replied. “Often the best sessions happen when people aren’t a hundred percent. Things pop up from the subconscious that surprise you. Now catch me up. What’s been happening to you?”
Meghan dutifully described it to her—how Sylvanne had lured Thomas to her bed, and swiped at him with the knife, and how he had subdued her, and then so nearly taken her. “I’ve been feeling so guilty about it, because Derek encouraged him to go through with it, and I did nothing to dissuade him.”
“Derek, your neighbour?”
“That’s right.”
“He’s now talking to Thomas?”
“He says so. I’m still not a hundred percent sure he’s sincere. He claims he’s on board now, that he’s my sidekick, or I’m his, but I’m not sure he really believes me even yet. Not that it matters—he doesn’t have to talk to Thomas directly anyway, Thomas knows his thoughts.”
“And what does Derek think?”
“He thinks the best way for Thomas to woo Sylvanne would be to stop mentioning me. Every time Thomas speaks to me through her, she thinks he’s off his rocker, and you can’t fall in love with a man if you think he’s insane. So that means I’m the romance killer in the equation. He’s better off totally leaving me out of it.”
“And why is it so important that they have a romance?”
“I’d just like them to,” Meghan said. She could feel herself turning red, because the real answer, the vital truth, was more selfish.
“You say Derek encouraged Thomas to have sex with her against her will?”
“Not exactly against her will, but he encouraged him to go for it, thinking she might get caught up in it. Of course he couldn’t have known how it would play out.”
“You say in hindsight you should have dissuaded him, but at the time you didn’t. Why?
Meghan hesitated. “I did want Thomas to make love to me,” she admitted. “And the first part, the prelude—the undressing, the first touches—it definitely was everything I hoped it would be.” Becoming self-conscious, she cut herself short.
Anne waited for her to continue. “This is a place you should feel safe,” she said gently. “I’m not here to judge you. The worst thing you can do is censor yourself. Try to tell me exactly what you’re thinking, as the thoughts come to you.”
Meghan took a deep breath. “I guess I was going to say that I really wanted him. When she brought him to her bed I was totally ready for her to yield to him, I was hoping she would yield to him, but then the knife came out, and everything changed. He pressed ahead, but Sylvanne wasn’t yielding anymore. I was left feeling her fury, her disappointment, her hatred, of him and of herself. But underneath all that, what I felt most was my own longing, my own desire not getting fulfilled.”
“It’s not a rare occurrence for two people to feel a desire that can never be fulfilled,” Anne said. “For example when one or both are already married to someone else. Literature is full of couples like that, and if the lovers do link up the results are usually disastrous.”
“Thomas and I are both single, at least,” Meghan said, managing a faint smile.
“Still, you’re experiencing a kind of fixation on someone you can’t have, not unlike, say, a woman who falls for a married man. In that case the best thing is to get over the fixation and move on.”
“But there’s another option we haven’t tried yet,” Meghan said tentatively. “It was Derek’s idea, but Thomas gave it the seal of approval last night. He said if I were to make love to Derek, he’d feel it. He said we could reach each other that way.”
“Derek. The same man you describe as an obnoxious boor.”
“He’s not always so bad. He’s helped me out reading medical books. He’s very good with Betsy. I know it sounds strange.”
“And Derek is agreeable?”
“He suggested it. I was ambivalent about it when he said it, but now that Thomas is eager, I’m leaning