Lady Lilias and the Devil in Plaid - Julie Johnstone Page 0,66
it, too, so when she kissed me on the ice, I kissed her back. Thomas saw it, charged me, and, well, you know the rest… I told you I’m not good.”
She wanted to weep for the weight of the guilt he carried. “That was one moment of selfishness, Nash. That does not make you bad.”
“No.” The word was harsh, a total and utter denial. “I almost did it again with you, to Owen. I suspected he liked you. I tried to help him win you.” He swiped his hands over his face, stayed that way for a moment, as if he could not stand to continue, and then he dropped his arms to his sides. The look of raw pain in his expression made her suck in a sharp breath. “I don’t know if I was really unsure of how he felt or if I convinced myself I was unsure because I wanted you so damn much. That day, that day in the woods when I said you made me feel, what I was trying to say was that you made me feel alive. When I was with you, you made me feel again. Before that, I had barely felt anything since Thomas’s death. But when I kissed you, I felt alive. I felt hopeful.”
The revelation was everything she had ever longed for, dreamed of, and it hurt desperately. A sob escaped her, and as it did, Bear pulled onto the lane, driving her gig toward them. It was the worst and most perfect timing of her life. Because she knew, she absolutely knew, that if they had been alone for one more breath, she would have flung herself into his arms and kissed him. She would have betrayed Owen and her promise to him. She had one thing she needed to say, though, before Bear was upon them, before this moment was gone forever.
“I have loved you every day since the moment I met you,” she said through the tears that were now streaming down her face. “And when you came back, I had hoped… Well, I went there hoping… But now—”
She didn’t know what to say. She was betrothed to Owen, but she wanted to tell Nash she’d break it off. What sort of person did that make her if she did that? What sort of person was she to even think about such a horrid betrayal? And even if she did end her betrothal, would Nash court her? She feared his honor and his guilt would prevent it. She needed time to sort out her head.
“Nash, I—”
“Don’t say it.” He pressed one searing finger to her lips. “Whatever you were going to say, don’t. I told you I wasn’t good.”
“Your brother’s death was not your fault.”
“It’s not just that, Lilias. God, it’s not, but that’s enough. Listen to me.” He pulled her close, buried his head in her neck, and inhaled long and deep. Before she could lock her hands behind his back, he pushed her away gently, and through her tears, she saw that Bear had pulled up with the gig, silent and waiting. Nash stared at her as if they were still alone. “I’m a selfish bastard, Lilias. I told you this because I have to let you go. You’ve haunted me like a ghost, and I need to let go. So promise me, swear to me, you won’t go on any more missions alone. I thought I could accompany you until Owen returns, but I can’t.”
“I swear it,” she choked out.
He nodded, then turned to Bear. “Can you see Lady Lilias home, please?”
She wanted to protest, to steal more time with him, but she knew this was best for both of them. So when Bear nodded, she didn’t argue. Nash stepped toward her, took her right hand in his, and brought it to his lips. His gaze met hers, and the heart-rending tenderness in his eyes was everything she had dreamed of, everything she had ever wanted, but it was too late. It was too late for them. Her pulse pounded, and her heart jolted as he brushed the softest kiss to the top of her hand. His touch sent gooseflesh over her body, and when he turned her palm over and kissed the inside of her wrist, she could not stop her moan of need. Their gazes met, clinging as he released her hand. Heat smoldered in his eyes, along with need and finality. Devastation swept over her, and she began to tremble.