Now, clearly, it was morning and Max was home.
And he said when he came home, we would finish.
And as I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I decided I was going to have to figure out a way to tell him I wasn’t ready for us to finish in whatever way that would come. I wasn’t ready for what was happening in his A-Frame on my Colorado adventure. I wasn’t ready to explore what was going on between him and me.
I wanted to, honest to goodness, I wanted it so badly it felt like an ache.
But I was coming to terms with my life changing in one way. In fact, I had realized the day before as I stared at Max’s fire, I knew before I even took this timeout that Niles and I were never going to work and I realized that I’d known that for a long time. I’d either fallen out of love with him or he’d bored the love out of me. But before I even left I had understood somewhere in head that I simply needed distance to come to that conclusion and that distance would give me the courage to carry it through.
Therefore, I couldn’t process, nor did I want to, the colossal shift back to Nina of Old. Nina who opened her heart, let loose, took adventures and even more risks. Nina who did that and got her heart trampled and her head messed with for her troubles.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to play it safe and be smart, sane and rational every second with every nuance of my life.
I was sure I’d learned my lessons way back when and I wasn’t going back to that.
I couldn’t live the life that I was living with Niles, I’d come to terms with that.
And I couldn’t go back to who I used to be. Heartbreak lay down that road, heck, it was paved with it.
And Holden Maxwell had heartbreak written all over him.
I pulled myself out of bed, went to the bathroom, did my routine and then, deciding on propriety in the face of our impending conversation, I walked to my suitcase and dug around until I found my wool robe. It was like a big, long, button-less, cardigan sweater that went down to my calves. It was creamy green and had a hood. It cost a fortune and it was lush.
I shrugged it on, belted it up and headed downstairs to face Max. I hit the bottom, saw him in the kitchen and stopped dead.
His back was to me and he was wearing pajama bottoms and nothing else. His shoulders, the muscles of his back, the wide expanse of smooth, tan skin, was all exposed to the na**d eye and I was blinded by the beauty of it. So much, it was a wonder I didn’t throw out my hand and go reeling.
At that thought, he turned and gave me a view of his chest.
At this view, arguably better than his back, I sucked in breath then whispered to myself, “Oh my God.”
“Hey baby,” he called, apparently (and luckily) not hearing me and headed my way.
I stood immobile as he walked to me.
He stopped in front of me, his head tipped down and his hand came to my jaw, tipping my head up.
“You sleep okay?” he asked softly and I nodded. “Wake up at nine o’clock your time?” he went on and I shook my head. “Sorry I was out so late.” I shrugged and he grinned. “I see I got Nina Zombie.”
“Um…” I muttered.
He shook his head once still grinning then dipped his face and touched his mouth to mine. My toes curled.
“Look after the bacon, will you?” he said when he lifted his head. “I’m gonna go put on some clothes.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Might be good you get some coffee in you before you get near sizzling bacon grease,” he advised, still amused.
“Okay,” I repeated on a whisper.
“God,” he muttered, his thumb drifting across my cheek, his clear, gray eyes watching it go, “you’re cute.”
I swallowed. He let me go and walked away.
I stood where he left me and realized that I was, officially, in trouble. If I couldn’t function at the sight of his chest, how was I going to tell him we weren’t going to explore what was happening?
Especially if he kept touching me and calling me “baby”?