I loved all my boys.
I never told them this. That wouldn’t do. I was a Shade, but that wasn’t all there was to it.
I’d learned. I didn’t allow myself to show emotion.
Ever.
I still knew my boys knew it. I went to bat for them. I protected them. I did the best I could for them. And I didn’t hide it.
So they knew and the look in Green’s eyes, his concern, wasn’t the first time he didn’t hide he felt that back.
“But I gotta eat, babe,” he repeated as explanation.
“I understand, Eli,” I replied.
Green stared at me a moment before he shook his head.
“That…that right there states plain this is not the business you’re meant to be in,” he declared.
I drew in a breath to speak but Green kept talking.
“Your sister’s not as dumb as your old man. She knows, you lead their soldiers, we’d all march over a cliff for you. She’s got a pussy tastes like sugar and acid in her veins. Men’d do a lot for sugar but they eventually learn to steer clear of acid since that shit burns and leaves scars that never go away.”
Again, on Green’s comment, I avoided Tommy’s eyes.
This time, Green did too.
He also kept speaking.
“So she gave you to us. You give a shit. You let that show. You treat us like family. Keeps us motivated. Keeps us devoted. But not a single general in an outfit like this should let a soldier go with an, ‘I understand, Eli.’”
I knew that too.
“You want her to put a bullet in your brain?” Tommy asked and Eli looked to him.
“She couldn’t do it. But you’d do it for her, all she had to do was ask.”
“You’re right,” Tommy replied.
“And she’d never ask,” Green returned. “And that’s why we’re all totally fuckin’ devoted. Just like you,” Green said to Tommy and looked to me. “But we’re not dumb, Liv. All a’ us gotta eat.”
I said nothing.
“You should put a bullet in my brain,” Green whispered.
That was a warning.
I felt Tommy’s eyes come to me.
But I held Green’s.
“I’ll never do that,” I whispered back, hoping he’d take my meaning that he shouldn’t burn any bridges. Instead, he should disappear.
“That means you need to get far away, Liv. This life’s gonna eat you alive.”
I felt Tommy’s intensity.
But I had only one answer for Eli.