This shut me up because that night I learned he had. It was somewhere I didn’t allow my mind to go because I hated the thought of someone as magnificent as Vance Crowe living on the street but now he said it straight out, it forced my mind to go there.
I felt my discomfort edge away and I just stopped myself from touching him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He shook his head and his eyes got hard. “Jules, listen to me closely. I’m not another one of your causes. I survived. It was shit and I nearly didn’t but I came out the other side. What I went through, it made me who I am. You do your job, only your job, those boys’ll come out the other side too.”
Then I whispered, don’t ask me why, but I did, “I love them.”
He watched me a beat then his eyes changed again, not to the concerned look, or the sexy look, but the look he’d given me that day at Fortnum’s.
It touched me somewhere deep; somewhere I’d forgotten I had.
“They’re good kids, they make me laugh,” I went on, unable to stop myself. “They’re smart, sharp as tacks and not just street smart. All that and they’ve had no love, Vance, no love in their lives at all. Only abuse. They didn’t leave home because of teenage rebellion or family misunderstanding or minds not meeting. They left home because they had to, to survive or they’d go crazy or get hurt. The only people in their lives they can trust, ever could trust, are each other… and me. Now Park’s gone, it’s just the three of us. Park was their leader. He was the best of them, keeping them safe and straight even as he searched for release for himself. Without him, I don’t know if I can save them.”
Vance watched me while I talked but at my last words, he broke in. “They gotta save themselves.”
“They’re kids!” I protested.
“They’ve learned enough to know their lives are in their hands.”
“They’re kids, Vance.”
“Jules.”
“No,” I shook my head. “No. They’re special and if I don’t do anything else in my life, I’m gonna make sure they have one.”
“Jules.”
“No!” I shouted.
Vance stared at me then I could tell he came to a decision. “I’m not gonna change your mind, am I?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Then you gotta stop what you’re doin’ at night so you can be around to take care of them.”
I went back to silence.
Vance stared at me again. Then he muttered, “Shit.”
I couldn’t help myself. I knew he was giving up so I grinned.
He caught the grin and his eyes flashed. I stopped grinning.
“You go out, I’m your shadow,” he said. “Someone has to keep you safe.”
Um… no. I thought.
“No,” I said out loud.
“Yes.”
“No!” I yelled. “I know what I’m doing.”
“You don’t have a f**kin’ clue.”
I frowned at him. “Leave it alone, Vance. I know what I’m doing. I know you and all the boys think that I’m some kind of idiot female but I’m not. I know what I’m doing.”