“Maybe you have,” Cam replied.
“I think you have,” Tracy put in.
“I held on, hoping to break through,” I kept talking like they didn’t speak.
“Gwen, take a breath and clear your head,” Camille advised.
I dropped my head and looked at my toes. Dark berry polish, a winter color. I needed summer. I needed sun. It was time to take a vacation.
“I’ll always be filler,” I told my toes.
“Oh honey,” Tracy whispered.
Suddenly, I pulled away, lifted my head and announced, “I need to finish on my deadline.” I looked at Cam. “Can I stay with you and Leo tonight?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Tracy stated.
“Yeah, babe, you can,” Cam replied.
“Cam!” Tracy snapped and Cam looked at her.
“She needs space,” Cam returned.
Tracy looked at me. “He’s coming to you tonight, isn’t he?”
“No,” I told her. “He wants me to go to him.”
Her eyes lit and she moved in close. “Then go.”
“No,” I replied.
She put her hands on my shoulders. “Gwennie, this is shit, I get it, this sucks but I can’t help but think that –”
I stepped back and her hands dropped. “I can. I can think it. And I’m not even mad at him, Trace. I’m not. This is me. I did this to me. I allowed this to happen. And if I’m ever going to have any self-respect after this f**king, f**king mess, I’m the one who has to stop it.”
“That’s a bad decision,” Tracy said firmly.
“Maybe so but it’s the one I’ve made,” I replied and straightened my shoulders. “Scott f**ked me over and I loved him. That killed me. I even knew it was happening and I allowed it until I couldn’t put up with allowing it anymore. With Scott, I waited too long to look after myself, hoping he’d sort his shit out, and I waited too long with Hawk. Even if things have changed for him, I’ll always know what I allowed myself to be, what other people think of me. No wonder both Lawson and Tack thought they could make a play. They want to get in there and who can blame them? A sure thing who opens her bed and her legs, no questions asked, no expectations, just an opportunity to get off and go your own way until you’re done. Shit!”
“That isn’t who you are,” Cam declared.
“No? Seems like it to me,” I shot back.
“Then, girl, you’re wrong,” Cam retorted.
I shook my head. “I can’t think about this now. I have to work. I’ll come over as soon as I send my files,” I told Cam.
She studied me then she said quietly, “All right, girl. I’m off today. I’ll get ice cream.”
“Cookie dough,” I corrected.
“Cookie dough,” she whispered.
“Gwennie –” Trace started and my eyes moved to her.
“I love you, babe, you know I do but not now. I can’t take your hope now. Please.”
“Okay,” she whispered.