I was such… a… slut.
How humiliating was this? There was no degree. It was off the charts. They had to make new charts to measure this kind of humiliation.
Finally he slid out and started to drop to his side at the same time I felt his hand curl around my waist to take me with him but, quick as I could, I slid away. Jumping off the bed, I bent, snatched my nightshirt off the floor and I pulled it on while I raced from the room.
I went to the bathroom and locked the door. Then I turned on the light and stood there shaking.
What was wrong with me?
The tears threatened but I beat them back by deep breathing. Then I snatched a washcloth out of my bathroom closet, turned on the faucet until the water was hot and then I cleaned him from me.
He would leave. He would leave. He always left.
Then I needed to move. Not houses, to a different state. I could work anywhere. I was free to go. It would suck, leaving everyone behind but I was up for the adventure. Dad had taken us to Boston when I was a kid, we toured the Constitution. We went to Lexington Green. We ate clam chowder and I loved it. We had lobster and that was still my most favorite thing. I was into history. I was into lobster. I could do Boston.
I sat on the toilet, thinking of Boston and I listening but I wouldn’t hear him leave. But he’d leave. He’d go. I knew it.
I waited and listened to silence.
Then I sucked in breath and went to the door. I had my hand on the light switch when I opened it but I stopped dead because Hawk was in the hall. He was wearing nothing but his cargoes, his ass was to the wall, his legs slightly out in front of him, his head bent, he was contemplating his feet.
Shit. He didn’t go.
He kept his head bent but twisted his neck and his eyes came to me.
“You need to go,” I announced, flipping off the switch and entering the hall.
Then I found my back to the wall and I was pinned there with Hawk’s body. One of his hands was at my neck, thumb in my jaw to force me to look up at him, the other one was at my hip. Mine went to his waist and I pushed, to no avail.
“You need to go,” I repeated.
“I was in the middle of an operation, an important one, they needed me. So when my wife and daughter died, they couldn’t tell me, they needed me focused. They were dead two days before I knew I’d lost them.”
Oh God.
“I don’t want to hear this,” I told him. “I have no interest in this,” I went on but I said this in an effort not to convince him but to convince myself.
Hawk ignored me. “I was thousands of miles away. Thousands of miles away when I lost my family, Gwen.”
“You need to go,” I said again with another push of my hands.
“I loved her,” he announced and I stopped pushing.
“Hawk, really, I don’t –”
“But I was f**kin’ pissed at her. Jesus Christ, so f**kin’ pissed. How f**kin’ stupid could she be? Not only goin’ there herself but taking our daughter?”
I closed my eyes and turned my head away.
“You should talk to someone about this,” I said, looked back at him and suggested, “Elvira. She’s a good listener.”
He ignored me again. “I was at base when Lucas, Darla and their crew entered your house. I was in the surveillance room and one of my boys whistled to me and I looked at the screens. I called the order to mobilize on your house, got my shit sorted and started to go myself but before I reached the door, I saw Lucas carrying you out over his shoulder. You weren’t moving.”
“Lucas?”
“Brock Lucas, you know him as Skull.”
“Oh,” I whispered.