As these things go, whatever fog that had drifted around me cleared and the crushing weight of what I was seeing landed on me.
I needed new everything. The kids did too.
Everything.
Without me telling my body to do it, I folded into a deep, knees-closed squat, my ass to my ankles, my knees in my chest. I wrapped my arms around the back of my head as I pressed my face into my knees, feeling the soft fur of Billie’s decimated teddy bear brushing my cheek.
“Fuck,” I heard Mitch mutter.
I was sobbing into my knees, oblivious to everything but the hatred and ugliness that surrounded me. All that was hideous about the home I grew up in washing through my life, the one I’d worked so hard to build, the one I desperately wanted to give Billy and Billie. As ever, all I knew, all I was, all that was contained in the blood flowing through my veins shredding everything good that I worked so hard to have.
More fool I that I thought I’d ever get away from it, escape it. Ever.
I felt myself moving and then I was in Mitch’s arms. I wound mine around his neck, pressed my face in his throat and sobbed silently against his skin as he carried me through my apartment. I vaguely heard the police tape tearing off the doorframe and we were in the breezeway. Then we were in Mitch’s apartment.
“Oh f**k,” I heard Bray whisper. “That doesn’t look like it went too well.”
I didn’t lift my head and Mitch didn’t pause in walking as I heard him issue orders.
“Go get LaTanya,” Mitch said to Bray. “Mara’ll need stuff for a while. Tell her she needs to be careful about what she touches; she only touches what she’s bringin’ over. Nothin’ else. Can you do that for Mara?”
“Absolutely,” Bradon replied.
Then Mitch was moving funny and I vaguely noticed he was no longer standing but sitting. I was folded in his lap, his arms tight around me. This didn’t register except that I burrowed deeper and held on tighter, pressing my face hard into his neck.
One of his hands started stroking my back. I felt his head tilt down and his lips at my ear.
“It’s okay, baby, everything’s gonna be okay,” he whispered there.
“I wah…worked so hard,” I stammered back.
“I know,” Mitch replied gently.
“I wah…worked so hard to be eh…eh…everything they weren’t. To have duh…decent things around me,” I stuttered into his skin. “Wah…wah…why do they hate me so much? What did I ever do to them except bah…bah…breathe?”
Mitch didn’t respond but he kept his head tilted to me, I could feel his cheek pressed against my hair and I felt his hand moving, warm and soothing on my back. After a while it penetrated that this felt nice and when it did, my tears started to subside.
Mitch heard it and repeated, “Everything’s gonna be okay, Mara.”
I nodded against his neck not believing him for a second.
In a cautious voice, he asked, “Do you have renter’s insurance?”
I blinked at his neck. Then I pulled my face out of it, his head came up and my watery eyes went to his.
“Pardon?”
“Renter’s insurance, baby, do you have it?”
Oh my God! I did! I totally did! I had maximum protection! The insurance guy was in fits of ecstasy when I signed on the dotted line. He said no one opted for my policy. He even told me that although it went against the grain, he advised I didn’t need that much protection. I didn’t care. It was my experience if something bad could happen, it would and I was always planning for that day.
And that day had come.
Relief swept through me so strong, I pulled back from Mitch but only so I could do the exact same thing I did the night before. I placed a hand on either side of his handsome head and pulled his face to me as I leaned and kissed him hard and quick on his mouth.
Then I yanked back and threw both my arms up in the air, smiling big and saying loudly, “I do! I have maximum protection!” I dropped my arms, wrapped my hands around his neck and bent my forehead to touch his, closing my eyes hard and I breathed, “Thank God. I forgot. Thank God.” I opened my eyes and looked into his. “I’m covered. We’re covered. Thank God!”
I watched close up as his fathomless, dark brown eyes smiled. Then I felt close up as his attractive deep voice rumbled, “That’s good, honey.”