Mitch grinned too and his arms gave me a squeeze.
“Mm-hmm, that one’s good,” we heard Elvira mutter and we looked her way to see she had her phone up and pointed at us. I heard what sounded like a camera phone shutter click then, “Nope,” she went on, “that one’s better.”
“Uh…what are you doing?” I asked and Elvira looked from her phone to me.
“I get that it’s bad timin’, hon, but my girls are chompin’ at the bit about you. Me and Tess been givin’ them the lowdown but neither of us have pictorial verification that Mitch got himself a sweet little hottie. Gwen, Cam and Beanpole have been all over Tess and me and even though Tess said things are intense with you two, they’re gettin’ impatient. Cam and Beanpole, I can handle. But Gwen is Hawk’s woman, Hawk’s my boss and Hawk pretty much gives her anything she wants. And when I say that, he buys her twelve hundred dollar shoes.”
She looked back to her phone and started hitting buttons as I blinked at the idea of a man buying a woman twelve hundred dollar shoes at the same time blinking at the fact that there were twelve hundred shoes. I mean, in some vague recess of my mind, I knew such entities existed but only in some vague recess of my mind.
As I struggled with this information as well as recovery from the aftermath of a Trailer Trash Trio Trauma and Mitch’s “I’m proud of you” kiss, Elvira continued.
“So, Gwen recruited Hawk to put the pressure on. He pretty much don’t care who Mitch is givin’ the business. He does care about Gwen, givin’ her what she wants and, probably more importantly, gettin’ her to shut up about it. And Hawk’s kinda scary. Even to me. So I’ll just text them this photo. Give them somethin’ to go on.” She kept hitting buttons and kept talking. “We’ll schedule a sit down so they can give you the third degree over cosmos. I’m thinkin’ Club ‘cause they got them kickass glasses. Or the Cruise Room. I’ll set it up.”
I looked from Elvira, who was still punching buttons to Mitch, who was staring at Elvira like he didn’t know whether to laugh or kick her ass out.
Then I looked back to Elvira who was still punching buttons.
“Are you saying that you’re texting photos of Mitch and me to women I don’t know?”
She looked from her phone to me. “Yep, kind of. Actually, I’m texting them photos of you in Mitch’s arms.”
Those arms tightened as I asked, “But why?”
“Because they know Mitch,” she answered instantly. “They also like Mitch and they wanna be certain Mitch is with a woman they approve of. Now, you just had a drama and before that spent the day with Mitch and two kids at Elitch’s and you still look hot. I included this intel with my picture texts. This’ll go over good. Not a lotta women look good after a day with two kids in an amusement park. I tell them about the exhaust yourself, run yourself ragged, bleed yourself dry speech you laid out about two kids that aren’t even yours, that’ll go over good too. But you gotta do cosmos in a little black dress to really win them over and that’s on you.”
“I don’t own a little black dress,” I told her.
Her attention went back to her phone. “That’s okay, we’ll go shoppin’.”
“Uh…I need to hire an attorney not shop for a little black dress,” I reminded her.
She pressed a button, muttered, “There.” Then she looked at me. “Right, so, quick, I mentioned Hawk. He’s a scary-ass, motherfucking commando. When I say that, I do not lie. So I’ll repeat, he’s a scary-ass, motherfucking commando. So, when your mind conjures up a vision of a commando, that’s Hawk. And Hawk likes kids. But he don’t like kids bein’ scared and bein’ used for bullshit family dramas. I tell him this, which, by the way, I’m totally tellin’ him this, even though he don’t know those kids, like, at all, he’s gonna go psycho badass, motherfucking commando and the Trailer Trash Twins won’t know what hit ‘em.”
Holy cow.
“Elvira –” Mitch started, his voice low, one of his arms dropping, his body turning toward Elvira but she wasn’t to be denied.
“Sorry, Mitch. Good as done.”
“Do not get Hawk involved in this,” Mitch ordered.
“Right, so, quick for you,” she stated. “Your woman is hot, she’s got curves, she’s got ass, she’s got legs, my guess is, you’ve noticed that. Now, she might drink cosmos with us girls but she’ll come home, drunk, to you in a little black dress. You want that and not her money goin’ to attorneys to deal once and for all with those skanky ‘ho’s, you turn the other cheek and I let loose Hawk and his band of not-so-merry men. That way, not only do you get your woman home drunk in a little black dress, you get to turn your attention to those two kids, one of ‘em who is across the way right now, scared outta his little kid brain.”
I wasn’t certain I knew what unleashing a psycho badass, motherfucking commando entailed.
I was certain we needed to see to Billy.
So I turned into Mitch, put my hand on his chest and whispered, “Honey, we really do need to see to Bud.”
Mitch scowled at Elvira a second then his arm around me gave me a squeeze, he looked down at me and murmured, “Right.”
I leaned further into him and murmured back, “Right.”
“We done here?” Elvira asked and Mitch and I looked at her.
“We’re done,” Mitch answered, moving both of us toward her at the door.
“Thanks, Elvira,” I said as she opened it.