He screwed the lid on the vat of powder and went to the fridge. I watched him get a big handful of ice and go back to the blender and drop it in. Then he went back to the fridge, got the milk (Maggie had kindly stocked us up) and splashed some of that in. He put the milk beside the blender, shoved the lid on top and fired it up. Then he stopped it, took the lid off and drank directly from it.
I didn’t speak throughout this. I didn’t know what to say. And I didn’t like the feeling that I was right there and he was acting like he didn’t know I was even on the same planet.
He was halfway through his shake when I said quietly, “Something’s changed.”
He turned to me and leaned his h*ps into the counter.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “Something’s changed. We’re here. This starts. No f**kin’ around. I got shit to do, it’s important and I gotta focus on it. Vacation’s over. Time to earn your fifty K.”
Then he threw back more shake like he hadn’t just delivered a verbal blow to the gut. And this blow was reminding me about the fifty K, something, for some stupid, insane reason, I thought we’d gone beyond making us something we obviously were not.
Even so, to remind him of who I thought we had become, when he dropped his arm, I whispered, “That wasn’t nice.”
His blank but still beautiful eyes leveled on mine. “Never promised I’d be nice.”
“You’d been being nice,” I reminded him.
“Yeah,” he affirmed then said, “Mistake. Told you in Vegas, been in chains five years, don’t need anything chaining me.”
Blow two.
“I’m not chaining you,” I told him, my voice trembling.
“Woman, you’re pu**y and never met pu**y that didn’t come with a chain. Some of them are heavier than others. Don’t wanna find out how heavy yours is.”
Another blow. That one savage.
“I can’t believe you just said that,” I whispered.
“Well I did,” he replied then threw back the last of the shake, put the blender on the counter and left the milk, banana peel, strawberry stems and everything where it lay as he headed to the steps saying, “Hittin’ the shower then goin’ to bed. Wood’s comin’ again in the morning to get me. Man who was lookin’ after my ride’s bringin’ it back tomorrow. Probably see you tomorrow night.”
Then he was up the steps and gone.
I stood at the counter seeing nothing. Then I moved around the island and cleaned up his mess. Then I went back to the TV.
I didn’t go to bed until way late and I did this only after spending a good deal of time wondering if I was going to do it at all. And that wondering included whether I should sleep on the couch or whether I should write him a note, tell him to go f**k himself and shove his fifty K up his ass and then get in my car and go.
For some reason, I went up to bed.
Now was now.
I stared at the ceiling realizing that I was hurt and angry, both in equal measure. Ty had opened to me and showed me something beautiful then for some f**ked up reason all in his head, he snatched it away from me.
And I had two choices. Either I break my back and work him to pull that back out again, help him to deal with whatever he was dealing with, get him to trust me, show him that whatever demons he was battling, he could let them go and I could give him a good life. Or I could do my job, collect my fifty thousand dollars and move the f**k on.
I considered these choices.
I loved Ronnie, I loved him a lot. I loved the way he could make me laugh and the look in his eyes when he looked at me, even early on, when his future was bright, he’d look at me like he couldn’t believe his luck. I loved that he gave me a family. I loved our quiet moments when I could forget our lives were a complete mess and that shadow he cast blocked out the sun. No matter what Ty said about Ronnie, and he was probably right, still, I knew there was something there for Ronnie, something he got from me. And I liked giving it to him so I did it even longer than I should.
But even though I had years with Ronnie and only five good days with Ty Walker, I knew, if he let me in, I could love him more than Ronnie. With all that I gave to Ronnie, all the devotion, every last chance, I still knew I could love Ty more. I didn’t know how I knew it but by the time we hit the “Welcome to Carnal” sign, I knew it down to my bones.
But I didn’t need this shit anymore. I’d broken my back and laid a man in the ground who couldn’t have an open casket because his face was blown off even though I’d spent years begging him to leave that life behind, a life that could lead to that and it did. Now I was with a man who bought a bride and needed hundreds of thousands of dollars to take care of some unknown business, who could give me something beautiful, snatch it away and calmly stand opposite me and talk to me about my pu**y coming with a chain.
I didn’t need that shit.
I’d been right while searching for a wedding dress. I’d been wrong about changing my mind.
I needed to give up while the giving up was good.