The sobs were so bad my whole body shook with them and though I was gulping down air like a fish, it caught in my throat and made it even harder to breathe.
Tao was suddenly on his knees in front of me. He wrapped his arms around my body, making soothing noises low in his throat as he pulled me onto his lap and rocked me as gently as a father would a terrified child. It felt like a furnace had wrapped itself around me, and it went a long way toward chasing away the chill that had enveloped my body.
But the tears continued to fall. In anger, in fear, and in frustration. For everything that had happened, for everything I'd lost, for all those who had died because of me, and for all those who might yet die because of me.
Because I was sick of monsters chasing me and sick of people using me.
And because I knew, no matter what, there was no going back. This path, this journey, was leading me inexorably into darkness, and I knew with every fiber of my being it was a darkness from which I would not escape.
My mother had sensed this destiny long, long ago. Had, in fact, told Aunt Riley when I was still a child that I would be involved with angels and demons and god knows what else, and she hadn't been sure if that involvement would be for the side of good, or for evil. She'd never actually said anything to me, of course, but I'd known. She'd had her secrets, but this was one I'd uncovered fairly young—too young to understand the true depth and cost of such darkness.
I understood it now.
Understood, and feared it.
I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, but it was certainly long enough that Tao's legs had to be cramping. He never said anything, just continued to hold me long after the tears had stopped falling. Eventually, I lifted my head from his shoulder and said, "You wouldn't have a tissue on you, would you?"
"No, but I can produce a handy sleeve."
He offered me his left arm. I made an odd sound that was caught between a laugh and a sob. "Thanks, but it's too nice a sweater to ruin with snot."
"Snot can be washed off." He gently thumbed away a remaining tear, then placed his hands on my hips and lifted me onto the bed. "Now, do you want to tell me what that was all about?"
"It was this."
I handed him the letter. He read it quickly, then met my gaze again, his expression curious. "Who is it from? It doesn't seem the sort of thing the Raziq or your father would send, and they're the only crazy people currently in your life, aren't they?"
"Well, there's Hunter and the vampire council, but this isn't from them. It's from someone who brings a very fresh approach to the business of being insane."