Keeping Casey (Keeping Him #1) - Amy Aislin Page 0,52
something to say, Casey asked, “How’d your meeting with Roman go?”
“Good. We talked about Chuck Yano’s offer to work for Sport U Apparel’s new foundation next summer. Roman knows the CEO of Sport U. Says they’d be a good company to work for.”
“Are you still thinking about a placement in Burlington?”
“I . . .” An awkward shrug from Ethan. “I don’t know yet.” He hadn’t looked Casey in the eye since they’d come upstairs. Currently, he was playing with the tag on the comforter, the one with the washing instructions. The side of his hand kept grazing Casey’s knee, sending tingles up his leg to the base of his spine.
Taking a fortifying breath, Casey stilled Ethan’s fingers, holding them in his own. They were warm against his, the palm slightly rough. Ethan sucked in a stuttering breath, gaze flying to Casey’s.
“I lied.”
Ethan blinked. “When?”
“At the party.”
Wariness crossed Ethan’s expression. “About what?” he asked slowly.
“Not having feelings for you.” The words came out rasped. Casey swallowed hard, forcing his hand not to tremble in Ethan’s. “Or, more accurately, you assumed I didn’t, and I let you believe it. Because I . . . I don’t know . . . I can’t—”
Ethan yanked his hand away and stood in one swift motion, pacing away to Theo’s bed. His loss stung, and Casey loosed a shaky breath that left him feeling flattened.
“What are you doing here then?” Ethan growled, running a hand through his hair with jerky movements. “What’s the point of this if you’re just going to hide from your feelings?”
Cold seeped into Casey’s chest. “That’s not fair.”
“I’m not wrong. You’ve been hiding for five years, Casey. Since our parents died. Of course you’re going to hide from this too.”
Heat replaced the cold and Casey untangled himself from the comforter and hopped off the bed. “Don’t you see that’s why I didn’t want to do this? You deserve someone better than me. Someone who’s more than barely emotionally available.”
The glare Ethan sent him rooted him to the spot, the expression so unfamiliar on Ethan’s normally affable face, and never directed at Casey. “First, you don’t get to decide what I do or don’t deserve.” His soft words were threaded with steel. “Second, if I wanted somebody else, I’d go find somebody else. But I want you, Casey. It’s always been you.”
Hope and fear surged again, and Casey’s entire body quaked. “That’s why I’m here, asshole. Because it’s always been you for me too. What I was trying to say is that I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be who you need me to be.” His voice cracked, breaths coming in pants as he forced the words out. “I don’t know how to turn off this fear that the next time you walk out the door will be the last time I ever see you.”
“Oh, Casey.” Wilting, Ethan brought both hands up to cup Casey’s face and leaned their foreheads together. The heat from his palms scorched Casey’s cheeks, and it was only then that he realized that he’d been cold for a very long time.
“But I want to try. You’ll just have to hold my hand and show me the way.”
“You think I’m not scared too?”
Ethan’s breath whispered across Casey’s lips and he shivered, balling Ethan’s T-shirt in one fist. “Are you?” Ethan never seemed afraid of anything except burdening other people with his problems.
“All the time. I know just as well as you that bad things happen to good people. That sometimes the people we love don’t come home.”
“But you haven’t let it consume you.”
“Being diagnosed with RA made me realize that I won’t have as many good years as other people. But you taught me that it didn’t have to be that way.”
Casey’s brow furrowed. “Me?”
“You remember when I was first diagnosed and I was wallowing in my room?” Pulling back slightly, Ethan smiled at him. “You barged in one day, arms loaded with research—literally. You had my dad bring up a second backpack full of brochures and pamphlets. Anyway, you were the one who showed me that with some lifestyle changes I could still have a normal life for a long time. ‘What are you going to do?’ you said to me. ‘Sit around and let life pass you by?’
“And you’re not letting the fear consume you either, Casey.” Ethan’s fingers clasped Casey’s wrist where it was still tangled in his T-shirt. “You’re here, aren’t you?”