as hell feels like it.” He took a breath. “I don’t want to do this job anymore, Ree. I hate how it makes us fight. I hate how . . . how it gets inside my head. I hate that I can’t do it with you. You were the best part of it, and I need you, and I hate this so much.”
From down the hall came Evie’s admonition: “Don’t say hate!”
Hazard smiled in spite of himself; a small grin tugged at Somers’s mouth.
“Can I say something?” Hazard said.
“As if I could stop you,” Somers said, pushing on Hazard’s face, pretending to shove him away.
Hazard bit his fingers; Somers yelped, and as he pulled back his hand, injured outrage on his face, and rubbed his fingers, Hazard said, “Obviously I will support you in whatever you want. More kids? Great. No more kids? I’ll be happy with you and Evie. You want to be police? I’ll pack you a lunch until you get that sweet, sweet pension. You want to quit and be a groundskeeper at Wahredua High? Well, fuck, first you need to learn how to edge our sidewalks properly.”
The grin was back, although Somers was still massaging his fingers and occasionally remembering to look angry.
“You’re exhausted,” Hazard said. “You’ve been up since one this morning. You haven’t eaten today, have you?”
“Honestly? I don’t know. We might have grabbed something.”
“You didn’t, John. I know you didn’t.” Hazard’s hand slid up Somers’s chest, covering Somers’s heart, feeling the rapid thump-thump of his heart through the cotton undershirt. “What you’re feeling, that’s real. But you also need food. And sleep.” Hazard’s hand slid up Somers’s thigh, forcing the shorts higher, his thumb skating across the scattering of fine blond hairs. “And maybe a good fuck. And when you’re through the worst of this, then we can talk.”
“About me being a groundskeeper.”
“Once you learn how to run a fucking string trimmer without putting bald patches in the lawn.”
Somers was biting the corner of his mouth. His eyes were bright and wet. “That was one time.”
“Once a week is more like it,” Hazard grunted, “because you think if you do it badly enough, I’ll just take over and do it myself.” He hesitated and said, “John, I know I made it worse. Your day, I mean.”
“What? No. Not at all. You’re the only part of my day that makes me feel like I should even consider getting out of bed tomorrow.”
“I know I shouldn’t have been at Susan’s apartment. I shouldn’t have forced the issue when you told me you needed to contain the scene. And I know I made things more stressful for you, which is the last thing you need.”
“I could have handled it better,” Somers said. “This is hard for you. This case means a lot to you, and Riggle’s cut you out of it. I’m worried—” He cut off, his head tilting back, his eyes drifting toward the corner.
Hazard tapped on Somers’s chin until his head came down. “Worried?”
“We can talk about it another time?”
“No, we’re not good about that. Now, please.”
“Ok,” Somers said. “I’m worried about a lot of things. I’m worried this is too personal for you. I’m worried you won’t be able to let go and step back. I’m worried that . . . that maybe what you want isn’t the same thing I want. And I’m worried, really worried, about what this is doing to you. I tapped on the window today, and you almost had a panic attack. You could barely stand in the elevator when we were going up to Mitchell’s.”
Hazard had been practicing a lot. He drew a breath and forced his voice to be level. “I’m strong enough to do this, John.”
“It’s not about strength, sweetheart. You wouldn’t complain about a guy with a broken arm not being strong enough.”
“So,” Hazard said, his voice slipping. “I’m broken.”
“Don’t do that. You know that’s not what I mean. You just told me that I wasn’t thinking clearly, I needed food, sleep. It’s the same thing. You need to take care of yourself. I’m just saying I’m worried that if you force this, it’s going to be bad for you. And I don’t want that.” Somers’s eyes came down, and Hazard was surprised to see a challenge there. Somers’s voice was stiff as he added, “Maybe it’s for the best that Riggle took you off this case.”
There were a lot of ways to answer that. Hazard settled on the only one that wouldn’t lead