a positive sign. And to waylay your other fear, it’s very unlikely that no one is looking for you. I’m sure many people are looking for you, and chances are, they’ll probably find you before the police figure out who you are.”
“How do you know?”
“Believe it or not, this is more common than you’d think. We’ve had a few patients like you come in with no memory.”
“And has everyone’s memory come back?”
“Yes. Some people still can’t remember the traumatic event, and some can’t remember the days leading up to it, some have a few gaps here and there, but all of them regained most, if not all, of their memories. But the important thing is to try not to let this overwhelm you. Don’t obsess about not remembering. The more stress you put on yourself, the less likely you are to remember. These things usually resolve themselves naturally, especially because you present with no brain injury. There is no physical reason for you to have forgotten who you are . . .” She paused and looked down at the paper she was holding.
“What?” I leaned towards her, sensing something in her tone.
“Usually, when someone without any physical brain damage presents with amnesia, the reasons for forgetting are more psychological. We call this post-traumatic amnesia.”
“What are you saying? That I’m mentally ill?” I asked.
“No. Of course not. But I’m wondering if there’s something about your life, your past, or about the accident—perhaps it was just too traumatic to process—that is causing your amnesia.”
I glared at her. Her statement had offended me in some way I didn’t quite understand. “How would I know that if I can’t remember?” I snapped at her, and then looked out of the window.
“And I see that you’re also refusing your food.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Well, you are physically hungry, but all the anxiety you’re experiencing is probably making it hard to eat. And you need to eat.” I heard her stand up. “I’ll prescribe something to help you relax and I’ll be back here to chat in the morning, if that’s okay?”
I looked at her for a while. I felt bad for snapping; she was just trying to be nice to me. I kept doing this—lashing out—and I didn’t know why. Something inside me was making me feel a level of anger I couldn’t account for. “Yes, thank you.”
“Great, see you in the morning.” She left my room and closed the door behind her. Everyone seemed to walk out of my room. No one really walked in, unless they needed to get something from me, like a blood-pressure reading. It felt like everyone was always leaving me. And then the fear that I’d been feeling moments ago was replaced by something else.
Sadness.
Big, black and all-consuming.
CHAPTER 5
Ntethelelo came into my room the next morning, or was it the morning after? I don’t know. I felt like I was losing track of the days in here. I could see she was not her usual chirpy self, and a pile of books and magazines looked heavy in her arms. She placed them on the table with a thump and raised her brows. I turned my head away so as not to meet that penetrating gaze she was busy throwing in my direction. The dove was still there at the window, and its presence felt comforting. It was the only companion I’d had all night, and just knowing that I wasn’t totally alone made me feel better in the tiniest way.
“I hear you’re still not eating.” She was tapping her foot against the floor. “You must eat. Otherwise, you won’t get your strength back and then you’ll be stuck with us here forever, and you don’t want that.”
I looked at her briefly, and then back to the window, feeling that dark, heavy ball inside me again.
“Listen, if you don’t start eating, they’ll send you up the psych ward. And trust me, you won’t get a nurse like me up there, since I am Medicare’s number-one nurse, and also, it’s not five star there. You should feel the pillows . . . terrible!” She nudged me with her arm and I couldn’t help the tiny smile on my face. She had a natural way of cheering you up.
“But I don’t know who I am. I don’t remember anything,” I said quietly, a tear sliding down my cheek.
“It will come back to you. You just need to give yourself some time.” She said it as if she really believed it, but I wasn’t convinced.