reach out and find them horribly cold. I wrap them up in mine as I search his face.
“What happened?”
“Killian, do you believe people can change?”
Is that what’s bothering him? His past versus now? “Of course they can, Shepherd. It’s one thing that makes us so complex. We can change depending on our nature, our setting, the people around us… there are so many different things that can make us change. Do you think we can’t?”
“I fear that you think too highly of me, Killian. If you knew everything I’ve done, would you even look at me?”
“Would you do the things you regret again?” I ask. I wonder when I started to care about him so much that I don’t even care what he did in his past, I care about him now.
He instantly shakes his head. “No.”
“Why?”
“Because I feel like there’s another way out. I feel like my path has branches while last time it was narrow and claustrophobic and there were only two routes. Death or life. And I picked life… but I only picked life for myself. I became a monster who would kill anyone Tony asked me to. I was so filled full of rage and hatred and I thought I was doing the right thing even when I knew I wasn’t… fuck… it just sounds like I’m trying to make up a bunch of excuses for myself and it’s stupid.”
I feel bad he’s so hard on himself. “It’s not stupid and they’re not excuses. Shepherd, knowing what you know now and having feelings about it doesn’t mean it’s stupid. Sometimes we do things because they seem right at the time and only later do we realize how much regret we’ll feel. That’s what makes us human. That’s what makes us grow and learn and hopefully become better. Obviously, not everyone becomes better after that. But we have the choice to.”
He squeezes the hand still holding on to his. “What if you’ve done so many wrongs that it’s impossible to ever make it right again?”
I shake my head because I just don’t believe that. “Shepherd… I think that if you’re asking how you can change and if you can change, you’ve already changed. Someone who is truly bad or evil or whatever you’re concerned about wouldn’t be fighting to figure out how to get better. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
He nods and I can’t help but wonder what demons are lurking inside this man that can make him go from smiling and laughing to absolutely despising himself. I don’t know everything that happened to Shepherd, but I know that whatever did happen was bad enough that it could twist his personality into someone who can kill without hesitation. Is it the deaths that haunt him? Is it something more? Something else?
“Do you want to talk? I’m good at listening,” I say.
He’s silent for a moment and I can’t tell if he’s considering it, so I give his hand a gentle squeeze, which he squeezes back. “I can’t right now. Maybe sometime, though, but not right now. But thank you for that.”
“I don’t know how much help I can be. But I want to help you.”
“More help than you probably know, Killian. We’ll get through this… I promise to keep you safe and do everything I can.”
“You’ve already done more than anyone else, Shep.” And he really has. He’s done so much for me.
He turns to glare at me. “Don’t go renaming me.”
I smile at him and he returns the look. “I’ll think about it. You ready to get out of the cold?”
He nods and stands before pulling me up. I head toward the front door but when I notice he’s not following me, I stop and wait for him.
“Shepherd?”
“Right now… you believing that I’m a better person than I am is what’s getting me through all of this. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t pull away from me.”
He’s such a fool if he thinks I would leave him. “Shepherd, while lying in bed I thought you were probably just going to the bathroom or getting a drink, but what got me out of that bed was the fear that you’d leave me. And when I stepped out and saw you weren’t in the house, I thought I was alone again. I ain’t fucking leaving you. You’re stuck with me.”
“Good,” he says as he follows me inside. We both go back to the bedroom where I ditch the coat and sweats before crawling in wearing my boxer briefs.