His tongue finds mine, making heat well up inside me. My hand slips under his shirt, needing to feel more of him, but before I can, he pulls my hand out. He takes both of my hands, interlocking our fingers before pulling back from the kiss, making me realize I fucked it all up.
I bow my head, feeling really foolish. I didn’t want it to seem like I was pressuring him into anything. “I’m sorry… I’m being stupid. It’s clear you’re not even interested.”
“Shh, Killian,” he says.
I shut up, but when I try to get up, his hands won’t let me flee.
Instead, he just stares at me and I stare at him. I’m confused and uncomfortable and my dick doesn’t know if it should get hard or give up.
“I’m sure you heard Tony.” His voice is low as he looks up and catches my eyes, making me realize that I’m worrying too much about myself when this is clearly bothering him. I just got fixated on wanting something from him since he’s the first person who has shown me something kind in return.
“About?” I ask, probably already knowing, but I don’t want to assume anything and make any more mistakes. “Tony said a lot of stuff.”
“About me selling myself.”
“Oh… I did,” I say, and I can’t help but feel awful that he had to resort to that just to survive. “I mean, that doesn’t bother me, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He shakes his head. “I was young. I did it because I had no other option. I really don’t want to get into it right now, but what I will tell you is that it led to me disliking sex. I despised every moment of it. Because sex to me was old, perverted men fucking me in some alleyway or in the back of their cars. It made me feel dirty and disgusting and I’d hate myself every time. I tried to reason with myself and remind myself that this was how I would survive, but it didn’t help. And in the end, I ended up hating even the idea of sex. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had sex since then, I have. I just… end up with those same feelings every time. You’re attractive,” he says as he draws a finger down my cheek. “I like you because you make me laugh. You don’t treat me like shit, and I have to admit, it’s kind of nice having someone depend on me who isn’t a drug-dealing asshole.”
I can’t believe Shepherd has gone through so much and now I feel awful for trying something with him, but I have to remind myself that I didn’t know. “I’m sorry all that happened to you… you went through so much when you were a kid.”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t say it for pity. Really, I didn’t want to say it at all, but if there’s something here,” he says as he waves between us, “I don’t want to immediately ruin it by hating you touching me. My desire for you needs to outweigh my past, understand?”
“I’m just happy to have someone not treat me like shit, honestly,” I whisper as I set my forehead against his shoulder. “I’ll do whatever you want from me.”
“You don’t need to go that far. You can do whatever you want. I just ask that you give me time to figure shit out.”
“I don’t know what I want, if I’m being honest. But I do know I like you, even though you’re kind of mean to me and like to pick on me,” I tease as I sit up straight.
He grins at me. “That’s the best part.”
While I’m not sure that is true, I let him have it as I roll off him and onto the side of the bed without the dog. Shepherd promptly grabs me and rolls me onto the side with the dog.
“I don’t want to sleep all crammed into a tiny ball. This is my first time sleeping without being tied to you or on the floor or on a chair. My sleep time has been destroyed,” I cry.
“You’re so dramatic. Just move him into the middle.”
I warily stare down at the dog who is watching me with grayish eyes that are judging me. “He’ll devour me.”
“He won’t.”
I take a deep breath and reach for the dog, needing to be strong. As my hand gets within the vicinity of the dog, it opens its mouth