know, so I can sit. What are you doing? Watching porn?”
“Yes.”
“That’s cool,” I say as I turn so I can stare at the screen.
“Do you mind?”
“What kind of porn do you watch? No. Any kind’s fine with me. I’m a curious fucker,” I say. “This one time I was like, can two men fuck each other at the same time, and you wanna know what I found out?”
“No.”
“They can! It’s a bit of a… you know, puzzle, but they got it done. The thrusting seemed to lack any real skills but both got ’er in there.”
“Great. I’m so glad you wasted a minute of my life with that story.”
After taking my shoes off—I’m not a complete barbarian—I set my feet on his legs.
“Get your feet off my lap.”
“My toes are cold.”
“Off.”
“Fine,” I say as I try working them under his legs.
“How has no one killed you yet?” he asks.
“I think it’s my overwhelmingly wonderful personality, if I’m being honest.”
“Yeah. Sure. That one,” he says sarcastically.
“What are you doing?”
“Working.”
“Do you work from here? Are you like a bodyguard or do you have a legit job somewhere?”
“Currently, I’m working as a babysitter for the world’s most annoying baby. It cries a lot, and it throws tantrums until it gets its way.”
“Wow, I think I’d spank that baby’s ass, but I bet any quick movements like that and your shirt will rip, it’s so tight.”
He raises an eyebrow, but I swear I see the smallest ever quirk to his lips. It was probably just an involuntary twitch, but I’ll call it a beaming smile.
He rummages around and hands me a magazine that looks like it’s from years ago. “Here, Rod left this in here, read it. If any of the pages are stuck together, just avoid them.”
“Thanks,” I say sarcastically as I take it and open it only to find that it’s filled with half-naked women. Huge boobs and tiny G-strings fill every page as they do ridiculous things like wash cars and straddle motorcycles all while wearing seven-inch heels.
“Is this your type of woman?” I ask as I show him a picture of a woman rubbing BBQ sauce on her body in front of a grill.
“Yes,” he says without looking at it.
I drop the magazine in front of his face. “I just feel bad that she doesn’t know that it goes on the pork chops, you know? Or will she rub them it onto the pork with her tits?”
“I feel bad as well,” he says as he smacks it out of his face.
“Can I draw on this?”
“If you can be quiet.”
I grab one of his pens and give the slutty BBQer a giant penis. “Look how much better I made this! At least she’s putting BBQ sauce on her meat now. Get it?”
“Sadly.”
I laugh as I flip to another page and give her a mustache. When I’m finished, I start ripping my favorite pages out and taping them to the wall around his computer.
That’s when the door opens and Tony walks in.
He seems to be in a mood, but I’m not sure if his only mood is asshole. “What the fuck, Shepherd? I’ve been calling you.”
“Ah, sorry, I didn’t notice,” Shepherd says, although I’m positive I saw him glance at the phone while it was ringing before setting it to the side.
“Bring the kid, I’ve got a nice little stage set up.”
My stomach tightens as I stare at him, wondering what he means by that. Can’t he just give up and move on?
Just as Tony’s turning to leave, he stops and studies my artwork. “And what the fuck is all over the wall? Tear that shit down.”
Shepherd looks up and examines my mural.
“Looks like a lot of penises.”
“Take it down,” he growls.
“I think it’s pretty,” I say. “Reminds me of Van Gogh.”
“Shut your fucking mouth before I make it so you can’t talk.” He tears down a page, crushes it, and throws it into my face before storming out.
“Did you get the impression he doesn’t like penises?” I ask.
“I think he doesn’t like you,” Shepherd says as he turns from his computer before staring at me.
“Can you not look away from my face?” I ask.
“If you know something, it’d be best to just tell Tony. You know things aren’t going to end well for you the way they are, right?” he asks.
It’s my turn to stare at him. “Is this about my penises? I mean… were they that bad?” It’s clear that I know what he’s talking about, but it’s also clear