no romance,’ I say, with the boldness of a woman who’s half a centimetre deep in orange-flavoured paraffin.
I describe the letter to Ed at university going astray, Hester, the engagement, the sense of understanding between us, and my discovery regards Susie, in context. I summarise everything Ed said when he came round and gave Rog chew sticks. It feels good to purge it by telling someone, so much so it outweighs any hesitation and my self consciousness.
Fin listens to it and says at the end: ‘I see why you were upset.’
I breathe out. ‘Thank you.’
‘Want my take?’
‘Yes,’ I say, and brace, as Finlay is sufficiently clever that even if he gets it wrong, he’s going to sound right.
‘Your boy Edward has had his cake, and eaten all of it.’
My eyebrows rise.
‘He’s had exactly what he wanted from each of you, hasn’t he? Adoration from you, steady commitment from his fiancée, casual sex with Susie. It’s hurt all of you in different ways. Susie only in terms of her memory, as far as we know. But who knows. Must’ve torn her up, keeping it from you.’
‘Yeah, I guess so?’
‘He chose to start things with you, he chose to let them drop, he chose to start dating someone else and let you find out the way you did. And he chose to cheat. Yet he doesn’t own those as choices, but as pieces of bad luck? Beware the Nicest Guy in the Room, who doesn’t think his failures are the same as everyone else’s.’
I suppress a smile at Fin having definitely not put himself at risk of being accused of ‘Nicest Guy in the Room-ing’.
‘Hmmm. I mean, I’m sure he didn’t set out intending it … with me, with Susie. Even with Hester, given he thought I’d not written back …’
God, I can hear myself. Let it go, Eve.
‘That’s not a particularly useful measure of your enemies, motive. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that harm done with explicit conscious intention of doing another person harm accounts for about two per cent of all harm inflicted. That descriptor pretty much only applies to dictators in banana republics, serial killers and PE teachers.’
Finlay pauses, to the relief of my whirring brain. I’m not sure I’ve ever been given this much in one go to think about since history A level cramming.
‘These are good, aren’t they? Strong but good.’ He takes another sip of Old Fashioned. ‘You had no idea whatsoever about the thing with my sister?’ he says.
‘No. What breaks me is that I can never ask why she did it, given she knew what I felt. She’d say she was pissed, I guess? What else could she say? It doesn’t feel like the whole answer. She could’ve pulled anyone. She went for him.’
‘I think I know why she did it.’
‘Why?’
‘Jealousy.’
‘Really? But she never fancied Ed in the slightest.’
‘Jealousy of you, not of him. Jealousy of the feelings between you. Jealousy and envy manifest in many ways. Plus if there was action of any sort around, my sister wanted a slice,’ Fin smiles. ‘Take it from one who shared a toy box with her.’
I feel my disloyalty, using Fin as a sounding board, and being dissected like this, it’s too efficiently on point to be comfortable.
I can’t believe you’re listening to my wanker of a brother trash-talk me! UGH … please tell me you don’t fancy him?! That’s it, I’m gonna boak.
Ed, in a toilet? I say to her, sternly. She falls silent.
I pick at a drink coaster. ‘She’d have thought my tragic love for Ed was exactly that though, tragic. Why would she envy it?’
‘If you don’t mind me saying, based on a very short acquaintance – you seem to take people at their word, which is a really good quality, but maybe leaves you short of an answer at times. Susie mocked plenty of things but it wasn’t necessarily representative of how she felt, deep down. As far as I know, she never fell in love with anyone. You were in love, and that would’ve fascinated her. What happened with Ed … she was probably trying to find out why. She was exploring, trying to feel what you felt. She was rifling through your closets when you were away.’
I sip my drink and think: I have amateur hour tango-ed with an absolute ballroom professional here. His analysis is a series of controlled explosions.
‘She was snooping?’
‘Yeah, emotionally, experientially, snooping. You were with your ex throughout the Ed thing? The one who’s