Just Another Silly Love Song - Rich Amooi Page 0,2
microphone. “Seriously, you have a big problem on your hands if this has been going on that long. One of the secrets of successful relationships is straightforward communication to convey your feelings and thoughts. When you don’t talk about things, the relationship is doomed. Let’s get to the bottom of this and try to get you back on the right track. Take me back to when this all started. Can you remember the exact day or moment when something seemed off?”
“That’s easy—it was her birthday.”
“Good. Give me the play-by-play. What happened that day?”
Jake let out a frustrated breath. “Okay, we stayed in and I cooked her favorite meal for her, fettuccini alfredo. I put on her favorite music, even lit some candles. She seemed fine then. She even smiled many times and thanked me for a romantic birthday dinner.”
“Okay—then what?”
“Well, after dessert I gave her a gift, and then we watched a movie. It was in bed that night when I noticed something was really wrong. I thought maybe it was the movie, but how can an Adam Sandler flick put you in a bad mood?”
“Good point. So, it happened before that. What did you have for dessert?”
“The dessert was her very favorite, a chocolate sundae with a cherry on top.”
“And her birthday gift? What did you get her?”
“It couldn’t have been that, because it was the number one item on her wish list on Amazon. That’s why none of this makes sense to me.”
“Just out of curiosity, what was at the top of her wish list?”
“A vacuum cleaner. It’s state-of-the-art and the latest—”
“No!” I gasped and jerked my head back. “Please tell me you didn’t get her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday, Jake. Please, God, no.”
“It’s what she wanted!”
“I don’t care! Never, never, never, ever give a woman a vacuum cleaner as a gift for her birthday, for Christmas, for your anniversary, Valentine’s Day, or on any day that ends in Y! And the same goes for pots and pans, exercise bikes, and self-improvement books. And don’t even think about an anti-aging cream that she didn’t ask for.”
“I don’t get it. She had been raving about that vacuum cleaner for months.”
“Jake, listen to me . . . She wants to be appreciated and loved and know that you really put some thought into the gift. A gift that truly says I love you. A vacuum cleaner says clean the house.”
Jake sighed. “Crap. I never thought about it that way. No wonder she won’t talk to me. But why didn’t she just tell me what I did was wrong?”
“Because she thinks you should be smart enough to figure it out on your own.”
“What can I do to make this right?” Desperation oozed from his voice.
“This is going to cost you, you know?”
“I’m okay with that.”
I nodded, appreciating his attitude to do the right thing. “Good. First—return the vacuum and get your money back but do it when she’s not around. She can get another one in a few months, but let her buy it, even if it’s with your money or gift card. Apologize to your wife, tell her you weren’t thinking with the bright side of your brain, and then pamper the hell out of her. Give her a spa day or wine tasting with her best friend. Pay for both of them. Does she like flowers?”
“Yes, daisies.”
“Get her the biggest bunch of daisies you’ve ever seen. Then, I want you to vacuum the house for the next six months with your old vacuum cleaner.”
“Wow—this seems like a lot.”
“Ha! It’s a small price to pay, in my humble opinion. You got off easy with the silent treatment. I’m surprised they didn’t find your dead body floating in the river. Let me know how it goes.”
“Thanks. I will.”
I disconnected the call. “You’ve been listening to Dr. Tough Love, and it looks like our time is up for today. Stay tuned for Susan Teegers coming up next with the best investment advice on the planet. Be good and be well, San Diego.”
I turned off the microphone, removed my headphones, unplugged them, and then stood to leave the studio to go see Kyle.
The studio door swung open.
It was Susan, the host for the next show.
“Self-castration kit?” Susan shook her head and laughed. “On behalf of all women, I thank you.”
I chuckled and grabbed my coffee mug. “Maybe you can give me a stock tip to show your appreciation.”
She smirked. “Invest in self-castration kits. Judging by the men who call your show,