right person to head up our campaign, I know we’d get huge support from the local and national press, and people would turn out in their thousands to run five miles with their favourite celebrity: Bonny Richards.’
Bonny looked delighted.
‘Why don’t you use Jude?’ she whispered. ‘Think of the publicity if we could reduce her by six stone.’
‘Brilliant, brilliant,’ Martin clapped his hands, ‘let’s do lunch. If we could get Jude slim, she’d be so much happier. Valent’s a bit podgy too. I need to talk to him. One of the ways we fundraise is to get employees to give to a charity straight from their gross salary. I know Valent’s got forty-five thousand employees.’
Martin had notes in his pocket for the presentation he would make later. Bonny was very lovely, her dress fallen open to reveal her shaven haven. Martin found it increasingly hard to concentrate.
‘Romy rings up celebs,’ he struggled on. ‘She has such a lovely speaking voice, they always give generously.’
Trixie was coming round with the wonderful white chocolate and toffee roulade.
‘That’s how you keep your lovely figure,’ he murmured, as Bonny took the tiniest helping.
‘Valent’s very oedipal,’ she grumbled. ‘Pauline was more of a mother than a wife, he loves old ladies like your mother fussing over him.’
Across the table, as Jude told Corinna how much she’d loved The Deep Blue Sea, Valent got out his BlackBerry to check the football scores and helped himself to a huge dollop of pudding.
‘Valent, put some back,’ called out Bonny. ‘I despair, and put that thing away – it’s so disrespectful.’
There was a pause. Romy, getting jealous of the glazed look in Martin’s eyes, turned to Seth.
‘How’s Etta’s crush on you getting on?’ she asked playfully.
Her ‘lovely speaking voice’ then carried round the table as with peals of laughter, to Seth’s utter horror, she relayed that ‘Mother-in-Law thought Seth was after her. He hadn’t the heart to tell her when she rolled up, all tarted up, to meet him at Calcot Manor that Stefan the Pole had taken his adoring letter asking me out to lunch to the bungalow by mistake. He’d got the wrong Mrs Bancroft. Isn’t it hilarious?’
‘Mother was ever a fantasist,’ sighed Martin, ‘always reading poetry and romantic novels.’
‘Seth meant to ask you out?’ said Corinna softly, who with Bonny and Trixie was glaring at Seth.
‘We know where that puts us,’ snapped Bonny.
‘How priceless Etta thought you were after her,’ said Blanche, waving a pink-nailed finger at Seth. ‘I do hope you didn’t encourage her.’
‘Granny’s absolutely gorgeous,’ shouted Trixie, making everyone jump as she banged down the white chocolate pudding on the sideboard and stormed out.
Seth felt an absolute shit, particularly when Valent also exploded in fury: ‘Etta’s a luvly lady and still bluddy attractive.’
‘Course she is.’ Martin, who didn’t want to antagonize Valent before the presentation, laughed heartily. ‘She’s my mother after all.’
‘All men were deceivers ever,’ said Corinna. Angry, savage and drunk, she held out her glass for a refill. ‘You’re all the same, having to prove you can still pull and satisfy a young chick.’ Then, overwhelmed with venom because Valent hadn’t chatted her up, she turned on him. ‘If Pauline hadn’t died, you’d have dumped her for a younger model by now.’
There was a ghastly silence.
‘How dare you, how rude is that!’ Trixie came howling back into the dining room, gathering up the pudding as though she was going to ram it in Corinna’s face. ‘Valent loved Pauline, and haven’t you enough sensitivity to realize it’s the anniversary of the Cotchester rail crash next week?’
‘Don’t be so impertinent,’ thundered Martin. ‘How dare you speak to Miss Waters like that.’
‘Because she’s a fucking bitch.’ Trixie gave a sob and ran out of the room.
‘Let’s have the cheese board,’ said Romy, taking it off the sideboard and plonking it on the table.
Having starved themselves and feeling Etta couldn’t have cooked the cheese, Blanche and Bonny cut themselves large slices.
‘Dolcelatte was Sampy’s favourite cheese.’ Blanche turned to Martin. ‘I feel your father is watching over me,’ she sighed, ‘but I think he would want me to be happy and move on.’
‘I know he would.’ Martin grasped her hand.
Romy smiled at a spitting Seth, who she’d dropped right in it.
‘I haven’t had a moment to chat to Valent,’ she cooed. Turning, she put a hand on Valent’s clenched fist. ‘I’m sorry Corinna was so hurtful. I know how sad you are, Valent, I’m hoping I can involve you in one of our charities. My goal is to