Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating - Christina Lauren Page 0,31

couch behind me and smile. Hazel: defending my honor like good friends do.

“I didn’t even have to. His competitive nature made manipulating him far easier than I’d have guessed.”

“Hey.” I glare at Hazel now.

Emily barks out a laugh, which in turn makes Winnie bark from where she’s lying across my feet.

“You too?” I ask the dog, bending to ruffle her fur. She’s as bad as her owner, a total nuisance, and yet . . . somehow endearing.

“My fussy brother on a budget cruise. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“Oh, don’t start worrying about him yet.” Hazel stretches her long legs just enough to encroach into my space. “The cruise isn’t until next spring. I’m sure he’ll figure a way to weasel out of it by then.”

With the movie set to play, I toss the remote to the table and turn to face her. “With that attitude, good luck asking me to send you Imodium from the mainland.”

Dave joins us in the living room. “Are you two sure you’re not married?”

Hazel scrunches up her face before lobbing a piece of popcorn at him. Winnie immediately wolfs it down.

“The only person I bicker that comfortably with is my wife,” he says, “and it’s a skill that’s taken years to perfect.” Rounding the couch, he drops down onto the cushion next to my sister. They look so easy together. It’s hard not to wonder whether I’ll ever have that. Judging by my results with Cali, it does not look good.

Fortunately, I get little time to wallow because Hazel shoves her foot into my kidney, attempting to make room for Winnie under the blanket. I push her foot away. “You know there’s another side to this couch, right?”

Dave looks at us, smug. “See?”

“David, gross.” Hazel pulls up the blanket. “We just ate.”

Emily reaches for a handful of popcorn and sits back against the couch. “So, back to the double date of doom, what happened to those two? I assume they don’t want to see either of you again since you were basically trivia nerd besties who plan to never get laid.”

“Oh, we haven’t told you the best part—” I start, but Hazel interrupts me.

“The cruise is the best part, Jimin.”

I push her off the edge of the cushion and continue. “They went home together.”

Emily’s mouth falls open. “They did not.”

“They did.” Hazel nods happily from where she’s landed on the floor, as if she’s thrilled for them. “I stopped by my old school to drop off a box of supplies yesterday and saw Cali in the faculty room touching up the concealer on a giant hickey. Who gives hickeys anymore? Honestly.”

“But you are going to do it again, right?” Emily asks, watching as Hazel climbs back onto the couch, roughly inserting herself into my space again. “Please don’t let my brother go back to the sweatpants.”

Hazel tosses a piece of popcorn in her mouth and gives me a little shrug. “I don’t know, what do you think?”

“Off the top of my head,” I say, “I can’t think of any friends I want to alienate. But I’m not opposed to trying.”

Hazel considers this. “Yeah, nobody else at my new or former place of employment—I have to maintain my thin veneer of a professional demeanor. And most of my friends are married or gay, or even weirder than I am.”

I frown at her. “That’s hard to believe.”

“We know tons of people!” Emily chimes in, scooting to the edge of the cushion and turning to face her husband. “What about that adorable girl at your chiropractor?”

Dave searches his memory for a face. “The redhead? She’s a lesbian.”

“There’s no way Josh is getting lucky anytime soon,” Hazel says, “so that won’t matter.”

Emily straightens. “Oh! What about your brother? He’d have so much fun with Hazel.”

“My brother is engaged.”

Emily levels him with a flat look. “David, we all know that’s not going to last.”

“We might want to let it run its course regardless.”

Hazel reaches for the bottle of wine and mutters to me, “I think we’re going to need this.”

“What about that guy at the dentist’s office,” Dave says, “the one who does the scheduling?” He looks around the couch. “We should find a notebook to write all these down.”

Emily rummages through an end table drawer and I hold up my glass for Hazel to refill.

Pencil in hand, Emily starts making notes. “The guy who does your lawn is always playing with Winnie, Josh. And he’s really cute.”

Dave looks at her from where he’s reaching for a cookie.