Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating - Christina Lauren Page 0,26
incredibly tenderhearted, despite his sarcastic exterior. He’s still letting me stay with him—even though he’s home. He makes a point to thank me when I clean the dishes once for every ten times he does them, and he always brings me a coffee back from his morning run. We talk in a straightforward, honest way: the dreams we had the night before, political drama, stuff that bums us out or makes our goddamn day. It’s like living with a best girlfriend who is actually male and very nice to look at. It’s not that I want to live here forever, but it hasn’t exactly sucked being with Josh Im for the past couple of weeks.
Still, with two days left of his staycation, I’m about to blow. I’ve gone out every day to do something new. One day, Dave and I went hiking in Macleay Park. Another afternoon, Emily and I found a new farmer’s market and Dave cooked up an amazing dinner. Josh sat on their couch, too, staring at whatever was on TV—a summer softball tournament. Today, I went to play with dogs and cats at the Humane Society, and the only thing Josh says when I walk back in the house is that I need a shower.
“Don’t you want to have sex?” I yell.
He stares up at me, slowly pulling his hand from the front of his pants.
“Look at your body!” I gesture to the splendor of it with my hand. “You’re amazing. And your face? Pretty fucking great, too. Come on, Josh, where is your sex drive?”
His eyes slowly widen, and I realize he thinks I’m propositioning him while I smell like a barn.
“Not with me, Jimin, I mean with someone in your league! Don’t you want a companion—not even just for sex, but for hanging out and talking and enjoying life? Getting your dick played with would just be a bonus!”
“Hazel.”
“Josh.”
He does a dramatic sweeping gesture with one hand. “I’m here, aren’t I? Hanging out and talking with you.” He turns back to the Law & Order rerun.
“Joossssh,” I whine.
He mutes the television and looks up at me with a deep sigh. “I hate dating and I don’t want to be in a relationship.”
“But sex?”
“I like sex,” he concedes, “but what comes with it isn’t appealing right now.” He groans and repositions himself on the couch. “The games? The getting-to-know-you dance? The putting on of actual pants? No, thank you.”
Sitting next to him, I take his hand. It’s nice and warm, but remembering where it’s been, I put it back on his thigh. “Look. I realize Pussycat did a number on your head, and you think that all women are jerks. We aren’t.”
“You aren’t,” he says. “You’re just annoying.”
“Right. But you don’t want to fuck me.”
“And you don’t want to fuck me,” he agrees. “But Hazel, it’s not like you’re getting out there and dating left and right, either. When was the last time you were with someone?”
“With, as in dating? Or with, as in sex?”
He scrunches his nose. “They’re different answers?”
I look at him as if he’s crazy. “I’ve had sex with guys I haven’t dated, and dated guys I haven’t had sex with.”
It’s his turn to look at me like I might be crazy.
“What?” I say. “You’ve never just . . . boned someone?”
He hides his blush by pretending to be grossed out by me. “That’s the worst word.”
“Bone. Bone. Boner. Booooones.”
He leans his head back against the couch. “God, would you just go away?”
I ignore this. “What if I set you up with someone?”
“No.”
“Just listen,” I tell him, pushing up onto my knees and invading his space. “What if I set you up with someone, and you set me up with someone, and we went out together?”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. No games, no expectations. Double blind date. Just for a laugh.”
“No.”
“Come on, Josh, just one time.”
He rolls his head to look at me. “If I say yes, will you leave me alone for the rest of the day?”
“Yes.”
“And if I hate it I never have to do it again.”
I nod, reaching up to scratch his scalp. His eyes fall closed. “If you hate it, we’ll never have to do it again. You can die in peace and will never have to take your hands out of your pants.”
He’s quiet for a minute. Is he considering it? Was it really the hands in his pants that sweetened the deal? He opens his eyes again. “Fine.”