all these different pieces of me.” His shoulders rose, stiff and hanging by his ears. “I always thought football was just a tool, you know? I got my scholarship because I decided that was how I was going to get out of West Texas. I thought I’d just play football through college, then get on with my life. I thought, what was four years when I’d have the rest of my life to find someone special?”
His eyes flicked to Justin’s, then away. Jesus, he couldn’t stand seeing Justin like this. Tears soaked Justin’s face, and he was trembling, clenching his cell phone so hard it looked like it was about to shatter.
“But then I met you, and… I didn’t want to wait anymore. I wanted to love you—I want to love you. I do love you. And I want to be with you, every day, but…”
“But what?” Justin’s voice shook.
“When Coach told me I’d made first string, he sat me down and said everything was about to change. He said my life was about to be turned upside down, inside out. That everyone was going to know everything about who I was. They were going to dig into my life, find out everything. NFL scouts, and reporters, and fans, and stalkers, and…”
“And you got scared people would find out about us.”
“Yes. But not because I’m ashamed.”
“Then—”
“Coach also said the whole team was counting on me. I was the one who could take us higher than we’d ever been. And if we have the kind of season he believes we could have, that meant everyone could reach their dreams. Be invited to the NFL combine, or into the draft. NFL contracts.” You can bring everyone to glory. Everyone is relying on you.
An exhale punched out of Justin.
“What would happen to your dance team if, right before you guys went on stage, you dropped a bomb on them?” Wes asked. “What if you told everyone the deepest secret you ever had, something you knew would throw everyone off their game? Something that would break every bond of trust you’d ever built with each other?”
Justin’s eyes squeezed shut, and he shook his hands in front of him, as if that could somehow shake out whatever he was feeling. “What about telling them before the games started? Preseason? During training?”
“The season is our performance. We’re on from the very first moment we suit up, from that very first practice. We have to gel on the field, fast. The psychology of it …” It was Wes’s turn to shake his head. “I’ve played with this starting line for going on three years now. We’ve bled together, cried together. Hell, we live together. We’ve seen things inside each other no one else has. The best and the worst. In some ways, I’ve never been closer to anyone in the world than I am to these guys.” Dizziness grabbed him, nearly threw him to the ground. He swayed. “How can I tell them that I’m not the man they thought I was? That I’ve been lying to them for years about something so huge, so fundamental to who I am?”
“Why do they care? Who gives a shit!”
“People care.” The fans would be a mixed bag. Some would be supportive. Others… Hell, he was called a worthless faggot online just for dropping a pass or not breaking through the linebackers. Was told to choke on a dick and get himself fucked in the locker room to teach him a lesson. And that was just from people who signed their comments #1 fan and who didn’t know he was gay.
Maybe the guys would be okay. He didn’t think Colton would disown him. Not look him in the eye because he couldn’t get the image of Wes on his knees, cock in his mouth, out of his mind. “It’s telling the team the truth now, after so long, will break us apart. All that trust we have in each other will be broken.”
If the guys were thinking about how he wasn’t who they thought he was yesterday… Everything would be broken, not just their trust in him. Their rhythm, their connection as a team. They’d hesitate, when they’d never hesitated before. Colton hesitating in those quarter seconds before he threw, thinking, even if he didn’t mean to, about how gay Wes was. A moment’s hesitation here, another there. Linemen a little slow on the block. Eyes sliding sideways to him instead of focused on the ball. Microseconds determined the difference