who I am today. Probably just as much as Master Kaazu.
But my anger has been burning even hotter than usual lately. It’s not just a simmering pot. Instead, it threatens to boil over. To explode. Because he made me leave him.
That thought makes me clench my teeth so hard my jaw clicks. It threatens to choke off my lungs, because I was never supposed to have to breathe air he didn’t share with me.
Cliff made me leave, and now I’m here without him. On my own. Trying to stay alive, trying to stay free, but filled with so much guilt and heartbreak that I question if it’s even worth it.
I’m so goddamn angry at him.
And as if that’s not enough to contend with, then I feel even more guilt because I am angry at him. And what sort of heartless, selfish bitch thinks that way?
I’m pissing on his sacrifice with my boiling anger, and putting the one good shifter pack in the world in danger.
I’m a piece of shit.
Alpha Hugo keeps telling me that it’s okay. He’s even offered to let me join this pack. Why the hell he would let me do that, is beyond me.
He’s leaving the choice up to me, and he’s assured me that if I do become a part of Pack Aberrant, that we’ll face whatever comes. Together. But that’s the thing—I don’t want them to have to deal with Kaazu. Or Rockhead.
And yet, I can’t bring myself to leave. I knew I couldn’t hide here forever without my past catching up to me. In fact, my past has never let go of me in the first place. As evident in the collar still wrapped firmly around my damn neck.
Which is why I like to be alone, to think.
Because even though I might’ve escaped Master Kaazu, I know the truth. He’s coming for me. And with Rockhead’s threats, he might be here sooner than I’d like.
Kaazu will never just cut his losses and continue on. He won’t stop until he finds me. I just wish I knew that Cliff was okay. That’s the question that chokes me every night and chases me throughout the day. I’m tormented with the not knowing.
We were a team, he and I. It was us against the world. I’m not steady on my feet without him at my side, and I don’t think I ever will be.
I continue to walk away from the shop, heading for the tree line. It’s quietest here from midnight to dawn. Most of the shifters are in their rooms sleeping, even the nocturnal ones. But I’m used to performing and training at night, never usually going to bed until the late morning, so being up to watch the sunrise is normal for me.
Not doing that is an adjustment—an adjustment that I haven’t really tried all that hard to make, to be honest. I haven’t really made any adjustments since running away from the troupe. Probably because I don’t believe that I’m really free. I know I’m not.
Cliff gave everything to let me have freedom, but my mind is just as trapped by Kaazu as it ever was. And isn’t that a bitch?
I walk for a long time. I just wander around the compound, going back and forth between thinking and not thinking. I walk through the forest for a while, picking up on all the various scents that are always in the air here. So many different shifters, each of them smelling so different. It can be a bit overwhelming, but I’ve gotten somewhat used to it.
I consider shifting and letting my animal out for a bit because she’s going stir crazy, but I hold back, much to my animal’s irritation.
Changing directions, I leave the woods and soak up the rest of the night as I make it to the opposite end of the compound, all the way to the tall perimeter fence.
My eyes scan the landscape outside of the fence for a long time before I’m finally satisfied that no one is on the other side. Part of me is always waiting for Master Kaazu to come out of the shadows, even though that’s not his style. He doesn’t do anything without flourish and pizzazz.
“Didn’t work, huh?”
I flinch at the sudden voice. I was so busy looking outside of the fence, that I didn’t pay enough attention to what could be lurking on this side.
Looking over, I see none other than Library Dude standing there, propped up against the fence, smoking a cigarette.