my hands on the way out. “Not really. Which is why I’m keeping these sunglasses on all day.” My eyes were bloodshot and puffy, with deep purple circles beneath them.
After I’d gone back to our table last night, I’d quickly grabbed my purse and bolted for the door. Luckily, my parents had been elsewhere, and Sylvia’s family had already left. Just Henry and April had been left at the table, and April had given some excuse to Henry and followed me back to the house. Up in my bedroom, I’d cried on her shoulder for a solid hour, telling her that Noah had showed up to apologize and tell me he loved me, but hadn’t changed his mind.
“Mom say anything to you this morning about why you left without saying goodbye last night?”
I sighed. “Yeah, but I just said I was tired. I think she knew something was up though. Just now, she gave me this extra long hug and told me she only wants me to be happy.” I sipped again. “As if it were a simple thing.”
“I think it is for some people. Look at Mack and Frannie. Chloe and Oliver. Mom and Dad.”
“But look at Sylvia and Brett. Henry and Renee. Noah and me.”
“I’m trying to cheer you up here, Meg.”
“I don’t think it’s possible today. Sorry.”
April glanced at me. “You going to be okay?”
“Eventually. I know you probably think I’m crazy, getting my hopes up so high after just a few days. But I really thought things with Noah were going to work. I thought he was the one.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy. You love him. That’s how you’re supposed to feel. What’s crazy is that he loves you too, but you’re still getting on a plane today. That’s the part I don’t understand.”
I bit my lip. Unwilling to betray Noah’s confidence, I hadn’t told April what Noah had confessed to me about feeling so guilty over Asher’s disability that he had to deny himself things he wanted. That it was his way of atoning for a sin he hadn’t committed but believed he should suffer for.
I’d only said that he admitted he loved me but didn’t want the same future I did. “Sylvia says I’m better off knowing now.”
“I guess that’s one way to look at it,” she said. “But it doesn’t make it hurt any less, does it?”
“No. It sure doesn’t.
At the departures drop-off, April hugged me tightly and told me to call her anytime if I needed to talk. I flew home and went back to my lonely apartment, putting myself to bed without eating dinner or even unpacking.
It felt like the same old story.
He loved me, but not enough.
I went back to work and put in long hours to catch up on everything I’d missed. I renewed my gym membership and made sure to run a few miles at least three times a week, and I signed up for a 5K race for a children’s charity. I started lifting some weights at the gym too, hoping the added physical strength would translate to my mental and emotional well-being. I allowed myself a Twinkie here and there.
But I still struggled.
I accepted invitations from my girlfriends to go out and be social, but my heart wasn’t in it. I turned down a couple dates. There was no one who could compare to Noah.
“Just give yourself time,” April said over the phone. “It’s only been a couple weeks.”
“Has it? God, time goes slowly when you’re miserable.” I took a breath. “Have you seen him?”
“Once,” she said. “At the grocery store.”
“How did he look?” I asked.
“Terrible.”
I sighed. It didn’t even make me feel better to hear it.
“How’s the apartment hunt going?” she asked. “Find anything yet?”
“Not yet.” Truth be told, I hadn’t even hunted all that hard yet. And I needed to, because Brooks had texted that because living expenses in Manhattan were so high, he could really only afford to cover half the rent for this apartment through November.
“You know, you could still move back here,” April said. “If you really want to. It doesn’t have to be for him—it could be for you.”
“I know. But I don’t think I could handle it. Seeing him would just be too hard.”
“I understand,” she said. “Hang in there. Things are bound to get better with time.”
I really hoped she was right.
Twenty-Nine
Noah
It had been nearly two weeks since I’d seen Meg.
Nothing felt right. Not sleeping in my bed alone, not running in the park, not even my bones