couch, I followed Chris into the kitchen and stood there holding the baby while he rummaged through the fridge. “I think your mom made soup or something—aha, there it is.” He pulled a container out, took the top off and smelled it. “Mmm. Real food. Hospital food sucks.”
“But everything went okay?” I asked. In my arms, my newest niece sighed like she was completely content, and it nearly broke my heart.
“Yeah. All good.” He poured some soup into a bowl and stuck it in the microwave. “What’s new with you?”
“Not much.” I didn’t really want to talk about myself.
“How are things going with Meg?”
I hesitated, but decided to be honest. I had nothing to hide. I’d done the right thing. “They’ve . . . cooled off, I guess you could say.”
“Oh yeah?” He scratched his head. “Why?”
“She’s leaving tomorrow. No point in dragging things out.”
“Oh.” He dug around in the freezer and pulled out half a baguette in a Ziplock bag. “Think this is still good?”
“Sure, why not? Just stick it in the oven or something.”
Chris shrugged, turned the oven on, and placed the baguette inside it. “Don’t let me forget that’s in there. I’ll burn down the house.”
The idea of a fire made me think about Meg’s sexy 911 call, and I quickly shoved the memory aside. For fuck’s sake, I was holding a baby. This was no time to think dirty thoughts. Rosie started to fuss and I began to bounce her a little, twisting back and forth at the waist the way Ethan and Violet had liked.
“I gotta admit, I’m kind of surprised,” Chris said, taking a seat at the kitchen island and propping his head in one hand. “Nina and I thought maybe you guys would do a long-distance thing. Or maybe one of you would move.”
“Nah.” I kept bouncing and twisting, hoping Chris would drop the subject, although now that my mother knew what happened, Nina would know pretty soon too.
“You guys never even discussed it?”
“We did,” I said. “And she offered to move here, but I said I didn’t think that was a good idea.”
Chris yawned. “Really, dude? Why not?”
“I told you already. Because there’s no point,” I said, feeling like I’d said this a hundred times in the last twenty-four hours. Why didn’t anyone understand? “I’m doing her a favor by cutting things off now.”
“How’s that?”
“She wants marriage and kids, and I don’t.”
“Not ever?”
“Not ever.” I was growing agitated, and I think the baby could tell, because she was getting fussy too. I put her up over my shoulder and patted her back. “Look, I know it’s hard for all you guys with kids to believe, but not everyone is meant for it.”
“I don’t know. Looks pretty good on you, brother.” Chris gestured toward the baby against my chest.
“Well, I don’t want it, okay?” I’d told the lie a thousand times, so often that it had become my truth, but it had never put such an ache in my chest. “I’ll have enough to deal with taking care of Asher.”
“You don’t want kids because of Asher?” Chris looked confused. “Is this about what Holly said?”
“No, goddammit. It’s not because of Holly and it’s not because of Asher, and everybody needs to stop trying to fucking analyze me.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry I brought it up.” The microwave went off and Chris got off his stool to go get the soup.
I watched him making lunch for his wife even though he was so tired he could hardly stand up and felt bad. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick to you. In a way, yes, it is about Asher. Someday, I’ll be all he has. You’ve got your kids, and I’ve got him to worry about.”
“Not really the same thing, though.”
“Yes, it is. Your kids will always need you, and Asher will always need me.”
“But what about what you need?” Chris opened the oven door and looked at the bread.
“I don’t fucking need anybody,” I said angrily.
“You know what, dude? I am too damn tired to argue with you.” He closed the oven and stood up. “Now where do we keep the spoons?”
I stayed at their house a couple hours before heading home, and even though I had fun with the kids and Nina was grateful for the nap, I was still in a shitty mood. All I could think of was Meg. I fucking missed her, and it was killing me to think that she was still here and I couldn’t be