“I’m better at controlling my emotions now. Usually.”
“But you’re not a robot, Noah. It’s okay to feel things. Even for a man.”
I was silent for a minute, then I told her something I’d never told anyone. “I feel guilty. About Asher.”
He hand stilled on my chest. “What?”
“I have all this guilt I carry around. I’ve always had it.”
“But why? You’re the best brother he could have.”
“Because we’re twins and I got everything so easy. It’s not fair. It’s never been fair. Do you know what caused his cerebral palsy? A lack of oxygen to the brain during birth. We were born five minutes apart. So why him and not me?”
“Oh, Noah. Don’t think that way.”
“I can’t help it. Every single day has been a struggle for him. Walking. Talking. Eating. Sleeping. Just being in public. And I never struggled with anything. Not school or friends or sports or girls. My only struggle was trying to protect him. It was my only way to . . . make it up to him somehow.”
She propped herself up, her hand splayed over my heart. “I get it. But you shouldn’t feel guilty. Asher was born different than you, and yes, he’s struggled because of it, but that isn’t your fault.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“And look how far he’s come! Doctors thought he wouldn’t even walk, right? And he’s got a job and friends and an awesome family. He was smiling so much the other day.”
“But what did I do to deserve to be born with a normal brain while his was damaged? Since I was a kid, I’ve been asking myself that question. The answer is nothing, Meg. Fucking nothing. And the older I get, the more I realize it’s true.”
“Hey.” Meg’s tone grew a little sharper. “You deserve everything you are and everything you have and everything you dream about.”
“I don’t, Meg. Why should I get to have experiences and opportunities that he never will?”
“What kind of experiences do you mean?”
Being a husband and father.
I thought it, but I couldn’t say it. It wasn’t even right that I was talking about this with her. She’d never be able to understand why I had to deny myself things I wanted deep down. Nobody could.
She sat all the way up. “You listen to me. You’re a good man, Noah McCormick. The best I know. Your entire life, you have put other people first, from the time you were a lifeguard to joining the Army to becoming a police officer. My God, I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you!”
Still I said nothing.
“And what about those experiences, huh? Asher couldn’t have been a lifeguard, but that didn’t stop you from becoming one. Or from enlisting. Or from being a cop.”
“It didn’t stop me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel bad about it. And I’m not saying it makes sense—I’m just telling you how I feel.”
“Never feel like you don’t deserve to be happy, Noah. Because you do. And Asher would be the first person to say so.”
It almost made me smile, the soft ferocity in her voice as she defended me against my demons, even though she couldn’t possibly win. “Thanks. Sorry to dump all that on you. I’ve never told anyone that stuff before.”
She planted a kiss on my lips and snuggled next to me again. “I’m glad you told me.”
“Now it’s your turn.”
“For what?”
“To tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.”
“Oh. Hmmm, let me think.” Then she sighed. “You’ll think this is dumb.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“Okay, but it’s going to sound silly, especially after what you told me.”
“Sawyer.”
“Okay.” She hesitated. “I want someone to fight for me.”
“What do you mean? Like, slay a dragon?”
“See, I knew you’d make fun of me.” She rolled away from me and I cuddled up behind her, wrapping my body around hers like a comma.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not making fun.” I kissed her shoulder. “And I would totally slay a dragon for you.”
“I don’t want anyone to fight a dragon,” she said. “I just want someone that doesn’t give up on me so easily. I feel like . . . I’ve had all these relationships that just wither and die, and there’s no fight to keep it alive. No one ever cares enough.” She sniffed, and I felt like the biggest asshole in the world for teasing her. I was trying to think of what to say to make her feel better when she went on.
“But it’s my fault too. I’ve never fought to keep things alive