She took my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. “But I don’t blame you for being that worked up. And I’m sorry.” She kissed my lips, then my forehead before cradling my head against her chest again. “You just want to protect everybody. You’ve always been that way. And it messes you up inside when you feel like you can’t.”
I sat still, trying to stay right here in the moment. Taking comfort in her touch, the smell of her perfume, the sound of her heartbeat. The way she understood me. Listened to me. “I remember sometimes when my dad would have a bad day, he’d come home and pick a fight with my mom. Or blow up at something she said.”
“Why?”
“Because unlike those ridiculous TV shows you watch, the good guys don’t always win. He’d be angry and frustrated and want to beat the shit out of somebody, just like I did tonight, but he was the sheriff so he couldn’t, and it would all bottle up inside him until he got home. I guess it was where he felt safe to let off the steam.”
“What about your mom?”
“Oh, she knew what he was doing. Sometimes she gave it right back to him, if he was being a real dick, and sometimes she just let him rant. She’s got thick skin. And most of the time, my dad was pretty calm, even when people around him were pissed off and belligerent—it’s part of what made him such a good cop. He knew how to keep control. But every now and again, he just needed to blow up.”
“Must have been tough for you guys as kids.”
“They didn’t do it in front of us. And Asher wore noise-canceling headphones a lot of the time, so I don’t think he ever heard them. Nina would put on music in her room. I’d just leave the house sometimes, go for a run.” I paused. “After I met you, sometimes I’d head over to your house.”
“Really? You never said anything about your parents fighting.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t really want to talk about it. And it always passed. My dad would apologize, and my mom would accept. He’d bring home flowers the next day. Red roses, always.”
“That’s sweet.”
“It was. They were good together. Understood each other. I wish they could have had more time.” I felt my chest get tight thinking of the injustice of it. “Their big plan was a trip to Ireland for their fortieth wedding anniversary. My dad would have been retired by then.”
“Oooh, Ireland. I’d love to go there someday.”
I frowned. “I’m trying to get her to take the trip anyway, but she’s so damn stubborn. And she uses Asher as an excuse, but I’d told her a million times Asher would be fine here. Or I’d go stay with him at her house.”
“Well, it’s got to be hard for her, if it was a dream she had with your dad. She has to learn to let go of that and reframe it as a new dream. That’s scary, and she might even feel like she’s being disloyal to your dad if she does it alone.”
“But she’s got to move on,” I said angrily. “My dad wanted her to be happy. He made me promise I wouldn’t let her stop living, and I feel like I’m letting him down.”
“You can’t force someone to be happy, Noah. You have to let them decide to let go of whatever is holding them back. It’s painful to see someone you love choosing fear over happiness, but it has to be her choice. All you can do is make it clear you’ll be there to help when she’s ready.”
“I know. I’m just fucking . . . frustrated with everything, including myself.” I shut my eyes. “I don’t even know why you’re bothering with me tonight.”
“Because bothering with you is—mostly—fun. In fact . . .” She slid off my lap and onto her knees in front of me. “I have an idea.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” She pushed my knees apart and ran her hands up my thighs. “Why don’t you let me bother your cock with my tongue and see how you feel after that?”
My jaw dropped, and my dick jumped. “Are you serious?”
“Don’t I look serious?” She gave me a stern librarian face as she unbuckled my belt, with pouty red lips and one eyebrow arched. That blond hair was tumbling all around her shoulders, and I imagined my hands in it while