I nodded slowly. “That’s . . . that’s good. But I feel bad you went through that.”
“Don’t. It taught me some valuable lessons.”
“Like what?”
“Like what I’m capable of and not capable of.”
I tilted my head to one side. “What aren’t you capable of?”
“Never mind. Forget I said anything.” His expression said REGRET.
“No.” I kicked him gently beneath the table. “Tell me.”
He grunted in frustration. “Okay, but then we’re moving on to something else.”
“Deal. Now what aren’t you capable of?”
“Maybe capable isn’t the right word.” He paused to finish his beer. “Maybe it’s more like I learned what I’m not interested in.”
“Which is . . .”
“A relationship. At least, a long-term relationship.”
“So like, a girlfriend or wife?”
“Right.”
“Because . . .”
“Because it’s too hard. There are too many expectations. I’d always be letting her down because of . . .” He struggled for words. “Because of promises I’ve made to other people. Because of the circumstances of my life and family. Because of the kind of man I want to be.”
“You don’t think you could be a good man to a wife and your family?”
He wiped his hands on his napkin. “It wouldn’t be fair. There’s Asher, for one. Where I end up, he does too, and I get it. No woman wants that kind of package deal. She wants a husband who doesn’t already have that kind of built-in responsibility to someone else. And being married to a cop isn’t easy, either. There are times when I’d have to put others’ needs ahead of hers. That’s just the nature of my job. I can remember my parents fighting all the time about that stuff—don’t get me wrong, they loved each other and made the marriage work—but it was fucking hard.”
“Was it?”
“Hell yes. My dad wasn’t always there when he said he would be. Dinners got cold. My mom had to discipline us on her own. He missed games and concerts and my sister’s ballet recitals—although he lucked out there, if you ask me.”
I laughed and sipped my beer, hoping he’d keep talking. It was like old times, only in person instead of on the phone. I felt sixteen again.
“Anyway, I just made the decision that I do better on my own. And it’s not like I’m lonely.” There was a touch of defensiveness in his tone.
“No?”
“No. I’ve got family around all the time. I’ve got friends. I’ve got my dog. I work twelve hour shifts—sometimes more—and I love what I do.”
“That’s awesome. So no regrets about leaving the Army?”
“Fuck no.” He shook his head. “I’m glad I did it, I think every able-bodied man should serve his country, but eight years and three combat tours was enough.”
“What about every able-bodied woman?” I prodded.
He sighed loudly. “I’m old-fashioned, okay? But if a woman wants to serve, she should.”
Satisfied with his answer, I nodded. “I agree. And I’m happy to hear you love being a cop. But I don’t think you should completely rule out marriage and kids down the road. What if you meet your soul mate?”
He rolled his eyes and mumbled some words I couldn’t decipher, although I caught his drift loud and clear.
“What? It could happen. You might answer a 911 call someday and have to rescue some beautiful woman’s kitten from a tree. Then she’ll be so grateful to you, she’ll hand over her heart forever and ever. The end. Happily ever after.”
He cocked his brow. “I’d settle for a blowjob.”
I laughed, kicking him under the table again. “Fine, I give up. Come on, let’s pay the bill and go get some ice cream at First Mate down by the harbor. I’m dying for a waffle cone.”
I tried to give Noah some cash for dinner, but he wouldn’t take it. He also insisted on paying for my single scoop of Superman ice cream, even though he didn’t get anything for himself.
“You don’t eat sweets?” I said, licking around the top of a giant mound of red, blue, and yellow ice cream.
“Sometimes, but ice cream isn’t really my thing. Want to walk out on the pier?”
“Sure.” It was a nice early fall night and the sun was just about to set, although the breeze was picking up a bit. “I should have brought a sweater.”
“Are you cold? Wait here.” Noah jogged over to his SUV and grabbed something from the back seat. When he came back, he handed me a gray zip-up hoodie that